greed, lust, power, and envy

During the day I talked with a friend musing "What greed, lust, power, and envy look like." I had a dream that night. A dead girl in a remote place. The people that encountered her took the valubles that are near her or that she is wearing. Slowly they remove everything over time she decomposes only bones remain. No one cared about her life or how she died, as if their journey began when they encountered her.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

From the following list which item can be purchased without restrictions in the United States:

cigarettes
alcohol
gun
gasoline

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The storm brought introspection

Navigating the streams of human intention. Feeling safe on a leaky raft of duty. Drenched, but not dissolving. A battle unwon to be fought again and again and again. The blood of my ancestors flows in the streams of my veins, showing me the way. The risk you take to follow me, I am who they care about.
It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

being the opposite can be the same, you know

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

stages

nimble
calloused
vague
tedious
curtain
bow

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

echo...echo...echo...

They say "money talks", but character speaks louder. It is individuals that decide what type of character sustains a Nation.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

long for brevity

All of the things that make brevity bearable. To list only agony, means the true tragedy is the life never lived.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Freedom

What good is freedom, if you don't know what to do with it? How many people talk of freedom because they aren't comfortable in their own skin. How many nations 'set free' only saw a reflection, not realizing, what it took to create that image? Is it possible to create a modern day legend? A myth in current time? Is it important to tell our children stories that are true? Or should we only hear the whining and the sniveling of discomfort. Suffering has no voice, conveyed in feelings, it is inaudible.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

A path created by an animal has places well defined, easy to follow, they all however end abruptly. I'm left standing without a clearly defined direction. However following a human trail all of the well worn paths lead somewhere specific. (home, work, grocery store) These paths are studied and used to manipulate people. We have come to a stand still, because the awareness level has piqued. I can't imagine the time has come for equality. I can't imagine fairness, and honesty. I can't imagine the torch being passed without resistance.  I can't imagine lessons learned being given consideration.  This is just a phase and more of the same will follow.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

I can see you, still, listen long enough to ignore me.
It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

i find my self

To recognize my self, is more urgent than being able to recognize other people.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

cobwebs respond

"Talking to a real human through another person is insulting, demeaning and leaves a person feeling defenseless, vurnerable, and worthless! Chopping at the base of a tree while singing praise that it's tippy top is ideal, turns the branches into tinder, quick to ashes. Smeared on the skin for appeasement, atonement, for sins unknown." I said to the ceiling. The cobwebs responded to my breath, the ceiling isn't as easily moved.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

the only one

My senses trying to rationalize the sounds, pulled me out of my inner reality, to my outer reality.  Where I could hear the wind blowing causing a metal banging sound.  It didn't sound like the scratching I perceived before.  I walked to open the gate.  I saw a flash of light, I dismissed it thinking my brain wasn't fully awake.  I turned, I could see the source of the flash of light.  An electrical storm was lighting up the inside of a cloud, above the mountain.  I asked the mountain "Is everything okay?"  The mountain told me not to worry about such things it only mattered in places I wasn't welcomed.  Of all the places I'm not welcomed this is the only one worth mentioning.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

upward to madness

There's no where to put my drink on any of these jagged edges.  With one hand I'm supposed to be efficient?  I can let it fall and hope you replace it.  That's the same as asking me to trust you.  Trust you who has never gone without, never had to wonder about trivial details.  How strange my caution must look to you, from your insulated world of privilege.  How powerful you must feel to be able reach out and take whatever you want, without consequence.  How divine it must seem to not need to know.  How crazy I must look to not trust you like they do.  How angry you get without that control.  A little more than fair, how would you know unless I told you?  Until then it didn't matter.  It can't be the case, by example you learn, it was not my doing. It was someone else, is what you said. "Just be yourself!"; Then tell me I'm like everyone else.  I don't like them, I don't know them. It's a practical way of minding my own business.  You decide for me like a sentimental toy from your childhood.  Tossed upon a shelf until you want to play.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

cheap strand of pearls

pony tails on a horse, and peanutless peanut butter, everything made complete nonsense, until it gets repeated by someone else, anyone else and people say wow that's cool. Then just like when the stars align, the time is right. Everything seems so vivid and clear. What they don't know can't hurt them. What they can't know is the most important. I laugh when I hear it's being guarded. Like anybody would do that willingly. Without a helium filled ego, to float upon the clouds, and pretend that human emotions effect them, and feelings creep up without warning. It's only an act for where ever the stage. For the audience of know-it-alls.
A cheap strand of pearls breaks. The pearls hop and roll away from the string unbound.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

It's right there, like it's real, convincing you the effort isn't yours.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

I can remember caring

It's easy to forget the challenge.  The adversary shows signs of fatigue, unaware the battle continues.  Seeing a paper pass by with the breeze, the words "your sins are justified".  Have I been forgiven.  If I were able to care again, for a moment, I would want to remember that feeling.  I walked away because I couldn't sit still while I was being dissected.  Minced into trivial little pieces.  Consumed by all I hated.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

outcome

At a point in time when everything was going good, troubled by the certainty. Underneath the chaos, did I deserve better.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

a picture

Her unblinking eyes and static smile make her look permanently attentive, and disinterested at the same time.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

What's it like

to pretend to know. To pretend to not know. To pretend to want to know more. I can tell what it's like to watch people doing this, and so will everyone else.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Last night I dreamed, in my dream I had a memory

The memory I was in a car with someone that gave me razzles.  In my dream I visited a man that was living in a house that was gutted.  He was cooking his dinner on the embers of one of the floor joist.  He invited me in.  He told me he wanted to show me something in another room.  When he passed through a distance doorway his silhouette changed, he didn't seem as friendly anymore.  When I woke, I thought of empty promises.  The times in life that ask me to suspend reason, to step into situations that will benefit another person, but not myself.  After all that is what good girls do.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

equal

We're all created equal, until we speak.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

My dreams have all died, because they were nightmares for you.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Dichotomous living

Allowing for new discovery, new ideas, new feelings, all the things that were cast off and ignored. To acheive the highest potential of what is possible all things must be considered. That has yet to happen. The old method of thinking set aside too many valuable notions. It is too late to try and make room for them now. A new way of relating to life is possible for a generation that has yet to struggle with what concepts are important, the things that make up their lives. Who will stand in their way? Who will tell them no? Who will attempt to harness and control their perception?
Dichotomous living the flow

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

pot o' gold

Like a pot of gold. Found in a hidden place. Always full. It's value secure. Never needing, never wanting. A value diminshed to it's core. I'm not like them, I'm different you'll see, It's not fair to ask me to prove my worth. Why should I hide my good deeds.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

a quest to be forgotten

How to undo what has been done.  Walk in my own footsteps, on top of my previous steps.  Stand in the places where the choices weren't mine.  Still my thoughts unknown.  Fairness let's talk about fairness, using  gestures and guises.  Cultivate lies.  Embrace the fire.  Extinguish me with water.  So I can go, forgotten.  Forget the wind, forget the storm, no matter.  No matter a quest to be forgotten.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

I asked the water.  "Why do you stay?  Nothing is holding you here!   You aren't trapped in your form like I am."  I told the water, "..if I could change as freely as you, I would."  The water asked if I would come back and visit often.  I said "Yes."  The water slapping on rocks sounded like applause.  I told the water.  "You know I fear your murky depths.  I sense your hatred for us that breathe differently.  The world of water is no place for me.  Perhaps I have become calloused by the hate filled land.  The dirt and the residue seems friendly compared to your suffocating silence.  The air seems pure because it doesn't hold on to debris like you do.  In me so many unresolved feelings.  Things in which my opinions have never meant a thing.  The feeling of being worthless.  Worth nothing.  To vanish and be forgotten.  Forgotten and to have meant nothing in this form.  To go back to the elements, the basic building blocks of all. 
It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The wish taker

Who hears the wishes of the falling star?  A hopeless world is one where people never want, they steal to belong.  A hopeless world where dreams can't come true, because everything is taken or given away.  Magic can't be demystified. 
It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Life events can bring memories.  How can anyone make sense of life by what another person has experienced, those memories don't belong to me.  Life experience is unique.  Parallels though easy to find are far from common, that becomes evident eventually.
It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

giving

It has been decided, to give this path back to the elements

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The desert night

knows how we are perfect. The cracks in the baked earth. The grit easily moved by the wind. The spare vegetation guarded and prickly. Sweat and salt. Heat and cool. The extremes, the simplicity, the vastness. The slow moving scenery creates a motionless feeling. Forearms and wrist, knees and ankles. All that is hidden, bare and exposed. See what you are looking for. The desert night don't you know how perfect we are.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The creative process forces me to take sides and I am turned around viewing something from various angles. Many times I find myself working on something to the point that I can no longer see it, I just feel all that went into making it. If I put it away I can see it with a new perspective at another time. Lessons learned have value. Finding myself within the creative process, brings me to a place that is empty. The trance of possibility.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

When I realized my best would never be good enough, I confirmed my soul to mediocrity.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

My life during the day is rivaled only by the dreams that come to me at night.  It's difficult to tell which is real, but I don't have anything to tell.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

A cantilevered lifestyle seems like a gallows, or plank, to exact punishment on those ignorant enough to approach you.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The responsibility of knowing the quality of truth.

Does the quality of truth matter?
It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

earthquakes

Is the earth angry when it shakes.
Trying to assign emotions to a situation when few details exist. Drawing conclusions out of frustration. Making plans in anticipation. Where does my life begin within this maze of confusion, a constant changing process. This place where nothing matters.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

This is a symbol of me:

) I (


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

dna and finger prints tell us we are each unique individuals

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

a week later

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

going to seed

Every year these grow in our garden. 
This is the first year they've turned a soft pink when going to seed.  They usually become a deep burgandy color.  
In one perspective it is a beautiful death.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Those who can 'deal with' reality.
Those who can't 'deal in' reality.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

inconsequent chances

ignored, and forgotten for a purpose
It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

making fine distinctions

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Life never quite presents itself to me in neat little packages. It's more like an unwrapped gift that always takes me by surprise.
It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

This year we didn't get many poppies. This is the first time I've seen these flowers bloom on my mountian. Wild flowers and weeds. Weeds are very hardy and grow without care. A wild flower doesn't stay beautiful long enough for the typical gardener. The plant that looks the prettiest for the longest is given preferrential treatment over the peep show life of a wildflower.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

I have found that most people figure out during their life how to create the illusion of happiness, or misery. I think it is a shield (persona). What a person feels within or without is for them to tune into. If I am too stupid to see the Emperors fine new clothes, it is my right to be happy about that. Playing along rarely means agreement.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Happiness is where ever you are.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Flew a dragon kite today. The wind tugged like a caught fish. A large piece of clear plastic caught by the wind flew near the kite. The gossamer made the air seem like ocean. I at the bottom of the sea looking up. The long grasses swayed caught in the tide. Blurred the boundary between the worlds of air and water.
It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Dr. Huey

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

holding the mirror for the saboteur

behind the mirror life goes on

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

There are plenty of things that can't be changed, but people are led to believe they are making changes. I think there's confusion because though maybe things can be changed superficially, there is no real change taking place.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The cog in recognize

In another era distorting a persons perception was considered magic, and punishable by death. We live in a time it's common for people to distort perceptions. The illusion of wealth. The illusion of intelligence. Fata Morgana, mirage. Weary travelers can be led astray, seeing an image that isn't there. Most of the planet earth has been traveled. Modern technology helps us to find our way. Exploring the territory within ourself is the journey of life. The power of the individual is no illusion. The art is knowing how to recognize what is real.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Black Locust tree

Thorns and flowers

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Rapt in knowledge

being female is a territory. To explore the territory of the feminine. For a woman it is what is expected of us. For a man to explore the feminine it is manipulative. There are reasons why reality has many perceptions. There is no envy amongst women, we each in our own way want what is best for others. The problem is expressing feelings. Duality serves to communicate lesser acknowledged ideas. To create a fullness, a richer experience. A place for everyone. The mysteries of life are gray areas for a reason. To bring illumination. The constant is the gray, without it there are no possibilties. To bring something to light to acknowledge it fully binds. Rapt in knowledge. To address and undress.
It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

not considered an equal, hurt my feelings.
Know one to hold my hand in the dark, and I found the way. It's been imagined. I feel like my thoughts, my pain, too closely it falls apart. What I want is too obvious. Stomp on me learn that lesson. I know the truth and that is where I go. This is a life, my life. Fair? is it? being human.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Snake

Went for bike ride today, crossed paths with a snake.  We stopped and looked at each other.  This magnificent creature turned toward me and headed for the place it came from.  I took it has a sign for me to do the same.  It looked shiny like it just shed a layer of skin.  I recently let go of an old layer of myself.  I need to go to familair territory.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96