Forgiveness

You told me I knew the difference. You said no one ever told you. You said it was my fault. You stopped loving me. You chose your new circle of friends. You said I knew the difference to blame me. You said I didn't know the difference as your reason to leave me. I don't think you ever loved me. When you hit me you said it was my fault. You said you warned me about my behavior.  I should have known better then to act like that. You told me to remove all my clothes you filled my mind with promises of love. You said you had something important to tell. Naked I laid next to you. You played with my hair. You touched my face. While I waited for you to continue I felt vulnerable while you drew out those anticipating moments. Waiting to hear you I thought it had to do with our future. That moment felt like you loved me. When you told me it had to do with our past and coldly spoke about her. I reached for my clothes. You stopped me. You told me she meant nothing to you. I loved you and I needed you. I learned in the years that followed what nothing meant. You finally found your dream love because you were still looking. Because she needed you.  You wanted me to meet her.  I did you both looked happy together perfectly paired.  I felt happy for you because you finally looked peaceful.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

here's more for you to ignore

You said the words I love you, so close you whispered.  You wanted to know me better to let me feel your pain.  This path I'm on.  I've tried to change direction but my dreams become too frightening.  My mind begins to deconstruct what I know.  My perception no longer serves a meaningful calming purpose.   I begin to experience distortions in reason and judgment.  The wrong direction makes my world a nightmarish vision that seems real.

Your pain, this is about your pain. 


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The Cracks

Taking apart that day would it make me understand why it happened.  Would it ever answer the hundreds of questions fragmented into my being.  Those questions that haunt me, cause me to doubt my self worth.  Make me draw worst possible conclusions.  Make me hide from even generous situations.  I'm too suspicious to allow a sliver of trust.  I lie awake at night worrying about the possibilites.  How to defend myself from what ifs.  Can I fix my broken self?  I've become accustomed to believing I'm supposed to remain in pieces.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

I notice

I notice when you look at me
I notice when you look away
I notice when you are near me
I notice when you are gone
I notice when you have something to say
I notice when you are confused
I notice how I feel about you
I notice the strange and unusual way you became part of my life
I notice how I've grown accustomed to your quirky  behaviors
I notice a deeper awareness
I notice a reality that is possible
I notice how I feel calm
I notice because of you I notice



It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Trauma survivor

I don't know why it happened. You said it was my fault.  If only I would do what I'm told. No matter what the circumstances.  I caused my own trauma.  Every chance I got I let you do it again and again.  It was what I wanted.  I thought you loved me.  I thought you were trying to love me.  I still love you.  I don't have a purpose to my life without the bruises and the sprained muscles.  The pain stayed with me as a reminder , love made me tender.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Fearing fear itself

The moment seemed like any other.  A common reaction to a rude driver.  It only took a quick thought toward anger.  The entity gripped to the handle on the door.  It didn't try to get in it.  The car parked in the driveway the entity let go and wandered around.  The next morning the door handle seemed like it was glued shut.  It took a few times to release.  The owner thought it was strange added it to the mental to do list and didn't dwell on trying to figure a reason.

Entities have their effect on things.  The heat exchange by the hitchhikers grip dried out the lubrication.  It wouldn't be detected by any means even in a visual exam.  The entity was enjoying the new surroundings waiting to exploit its unsuspecting victim.  The occasional subtle irritations were a perfect hiding spot.  Allowing access to the righteous, kind hearted feelings of common folk.  It was easy to exploit a willingly evil person.  Access to genuine kindness was highly prized within the realm where this entity was an initiate.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Charity

Her feelings were muted.  The never-ending cycle of frustration bad choices.  She wanted to belong but she couldn't, instead she learned coping skills. She had to retreat without warning. Her life had been a series of detours.  Self sabotage.  She was used to this happening without her consent she learned to expect it. She could make it happen. She knew how to feel loss and despair familiar feelings. She wasn't accustom to getting her way. She didn't know what that meant.  The things she wanted were easy to take away, without consequence to the taker.  She was expected to understand by realizing others were less fortunate.  It was a demand for her to go without.  The needs of others to be met first.  Always without question.  To the point of excess, becoming waste, and complacency.  In that she learned it wasn't about being understood, but to understand.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96