never the truth

a lie is never the truth no matter who believes it


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

If I'm the blame?

Is it unchanging? How can it be the one thing in life that can't be changed. If I'm the blame I should feel responsible but I don' know how. If I'm the blame that is powerful. If the blame is what I see the different side of. If the blame Is how I learned to exist in a world that doesn't have a place for me.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Deceit

Until you've experienced it you have no way of comprehending crocodile tears.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Long ago in a reality that never completely existed

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Velvet Ant

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Bear Warrior berserker

indexse7en.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Tortoise, Ducks, Chickens

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

I'll invite you to dinner

and make you eat your words

To see your image, yourself, without a mirror

You make me feel I'm important to you. A monumental influence not daily sustenance but a reserve for when the situation is dire.

You make me feel like foot stool, pack mule, life jacket. Tossed into storage when not in use.

You make feel divine. A treasure to be hidden. A painted over masterpiece and tarnished jewel to keep me safe from falling into the wrong hands.  From your rib, I was made, a part of you forever. No matter the space between us, never separate.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

You sent me an email trying to explain. However what I read into it is you are the problem.  There isn't an explanation for that. It is your problem not mine. Keep doing what you are doing since it works for you.  You don't need to include me.  Your reality is all yours.  You tricked me and haha it was clever.  The red shirt gag was impressive. How you found so many willing to identify their animosity toward me. My insight into the situation was accurate from the start.



It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

my reality is seeing this sort of stuff

"You didn't come inside which deprived us from being able to fully enjoy ignoring you. You are a mean person and hurt the feelings of several people equally at the same time".  "That sounds like I broke a record.  I should get an award".  " I thought you didn't want to deal with me.  I made an appointment you all knew I would be there and it was going to be the highlight of your day.  You were going to celebrate by trying to make me feel unimportant.  Next time I will know you want to ignore me and I'll let you.

I have to accept as reality you play a game.  With information and understanding. You also include listening and saying you didn't hear.  You even go so far as to use surveys to gather points of view to serve as manipulative sticking points.  Without a care given to the genuine flow of human interaction you toss around exaggerations.  The lack of continuity is to be forgotten. What you don't account for in your manipulatively mining for information.  You are being given manipulated reactions because no one is that unaware.  What I can't figure out.  Why is it important for you to degrade me?  What do I represent in your reality that you cannot allow to manifest? I provided you with confusion and frustration for which I should be sorry.  I misunderstood what you needed.  You choose to live your life based on conjecture. 


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Your Sister Sodom

Ezekiel 16:49-50

New American Standard Bible 
"Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had arrogance, abundant food and careless ease, but she did not help the poor and needy.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The Midweek Holiday

I kept feeling like yesterday was Saturday.  Not sure why the idea of weekday-weekend still holds in my thought process.  That world is long long gone.  Not that it ever really existed. The world that created those ideas is long gone.  July 4 I had to go to the grocery store. When I spend every penny each month paying bills,  buying necessities. Every transaction feels like I'm being robbed.  When the person I'm doing the business transaction with is unpleasant it feels like I'm being assaulted too.  So anyhow I asked my neighbor if he wanted to go along for a trip into town. He said sure. Not much to tell just a typical day. He thanked me for taking him along when we returned home.  Later that day I saw an older gentleman walking by my fence staggering up the road.  I'd never seen him before and the direction he was heading was into the hills. I went out to see if he was okay.  He was disoriented and wasn't sure where he was.  While I was on the phone for the paramedics, my neighbor shows up saying she saw him fall down earlier.  The paramedics arrived and ultimately took him to the hospital. Later, I called the hospital to learn he was reunited with his son.  I wasn't able to find out where he came from or if he lives in my neighbor. On July 5 by coincidence I look out my window.  A car coming down the hill makes an erratic turn and crashes into my neighbors fence.  No brakes. They were removing junk cars.  I was thankful it wasn't my fence. I understand why my neighbor is upset. I hope things get worked out and everyone can be neighborly.

I now have a rooster. The people who had it don't want it any longer. It starts crowing around 4:00 am.

If you've ever filled in the details in your mind during a conversation and imaged something splendid to later find out it was all created in your mind.  Welcome you've taken a midweek holiday.  [Now's]* an interesting time to check your kitchen cupboard to see what is the oldest spice bottle you've stowed away.  I think everyone should have at least one ancient spice bottle, maybe two.

I think midnight was the start of world war 3.  Now the trade war begins.  Someone paid money to make a giant balloon of Trump as a baby.   It makes you wonder just how much money has the USA been sending over seas?  I'm confused by the message. In America people celebrate using balloons.  Also businesses use balloons at grand openings.  There's even a huge parade using giant balloons on Thanksgiving.
Giving Thanks? Holiday inflatables have become a major part of Christmas displays.

Maybe someone can make a mile long sleeve to put into that shaft and get the children and their coach out of that water cave in Taiwan.

*
signified by the apostrophe
Now is
Now would be
not
Two or more now


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Womanhood

I saw you today in the break room eating that 3 day old piece of chicken left in the fridge from the Friday potluck.  I heard you talking about your affair with that married guy in the order department.  He bought you a car, and now his wife knows about you.  I envy your oblivion. I can't even laugh about your situation because it would make me feel guilty.  Your fate as a woman shouldn't be summed up on these details.  I wish I could connect with you on a level so you can see this. There are too many obstacles, my words would bounce around.  Here's to refrigerated air, selling sweaters, and lovers who are like three day old communal leftovers.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

θ How are you doing?

¤ You don't know, do you?

θ huh? What?

¤ That's exactly how I feel.

θ What are you talking about.

¤ Exactly, now you understand.  We are both confused by this for different reasons. I don't know why you want to know. You don't know why I won't answer. You say I'm rude for not being cordial. I say your inquiry is confusing, because it's insincere. So why bother asking me that.




It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The pile of twigs

I left a pile of twigs in the yard. Look who moved in:

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The Joyous Mysteries

Today while praying the Rosary while on my drive to work.  I pray out loud or else I get side tracked.  Today I noticed my voice was sounding like an auctioneer while praying.  I'm sure some Catholics would have been offended but it followed the cadence well.  I tried it on other styles but it seemed to be most agreeable to the auctioneer.  Lots to ponder in that.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

in my little world

In the jar I captured a street lit up at night. Tiny people dressed and dancing in the town square.  I don't know what caused their celebration.  The women wore elaborate ball gowns. The type that are time consuming not only to make but to get into.  That told me this wasn't a spur of the moment occasion. Why weren't they inside of grand ballroom but instead dancing in the street.



It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Communicating yes I am really trying

I'm currently working as a flex.  I work with numerous people and personality types.  This basis creates a free flowing exchange.  I'm dealing with people who have worked together a long while ( 2 decades).  I was speaking to a group of gals (we are all approximately the same age). They were talking about music.  One said "remember when wango tango started"?  I said "yeah ted nugent" they continued talking, like I didn't say anything, about mariah carey.  I'm thinking what?  Anyhow I'm destined to be an oddball.  That's fine by me.  I see things differently yes I honestly do.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96ll

A Modest Proposal

Fetus the other white meat

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

I

I know I'm not supposed to talk about unfairness.  Why because unfairness is just that unfair.  It's not something to focus on.  Even though noticing it creates a feeling of unease it should never be a focal point of a setting.  I was schooled to think that way about these things.  Paving the way for blessings and grace.  Creating the feeling of want.  To know what you want is the biggest challenge in a lifetime.  To know oneself.



It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Human Nature always one step away from primitive

The oil cap on my car has a capital S on it.  The mold used to make that oil cap was created with the S to be the primary feature. Next are the scalloped grooves around the edge to grip and turn the cap.  I think the letter should have been an O for oil. Or a P for my first name initial. I paid for it should be able to identify it as mine.  I keep hearing blah blah about automated, robotic, pinpoint specific, deliver to your door step, 3D print anything.  I should be able to monogram everything I purchase within the production line. I have the right to be an autonomous human.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

You've cordially invited me to Fuck off? (rsvp for details)

Operating under the directive: screw up precisely enough to force every issue into arbitration.  I know I'm stupid for not realizing this long ago.  It is about fairness, not about persevering.  It is about slinging mud so we are all at the same level back to the beginning.  The problem with that is even covered in mud it is impossible to change a perception once it has been formed. Made impossible by the compound nature of hearing loss that accompanies a singular point of view.  Manifesting an illusion to fill in the spaces left blank for truth.  Covering over the hard work of fact finding by completing an image perfectly confirming the easiest possible conclusion.  I can only conclude by the amount of time this has continued under the aforementioned circumstances this will not change in my lifetime.  Therefore I will have to conclude this is my life.  It is a quiet grief I will feel having witnessed the formation and ultimate destruction of such potential.  Our paths of destruction crossed.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

I won't be able to make my car payment this month.  Without that vehicle my travel will be limited.  It will change a number of arrangements I have set up.  Not having that vehicle any longer will solve the problems created by owning it.  When I think of it that way I can see it as part of the journey.  Why get frustrated about this.  I have no control over other things and I let them run their course.  This is me being part of the process. This will decide for me what is available to me.  This is change and I 'll see where it takes me.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

I don't know how to determine if I am officially poor.  I have too many things I'm worried about.  I don't want to ignore it all but I don't have the means to change any of it.  At least not that I'm aware of.



Matthew 6:34
“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

* Ecclesiastes 9

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

People get attention by behaving badly, good people get ignored.



It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The 20 mile circle from my home

If I understand this charade, I'm supposed to build a tolerance for idiotic behavior that is rewarded?  I'm allowed an ego based point of view as well, right?  Okay grand another item for the list of things we agree upon.  You like to dust your figurines while I enjoy watching the cobwebs grow.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Lake Perris campground, California.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

I dreamt of the grotto near the sea. A reservation I made but couldn't remember the name I gave.  I found myself inside a maze of stacked stone hallways.  I could feel the chilly damp sea air but could not see the water.  The corridors illuminated by what flickered like a flame, but I never saw the source.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

When you first showed up in my dreams as a formless sensation.  Overcome by thoughts and feelings not imagery. Not a typical dream. It was a realization without the epiphanic imagery..  The transition into womanhood is what I thought.  I know most cultures feel that happens at menstruation.  If only it were that simple.  The deeper sense of feminine takes time to learn those boundaries.  It can be experienced as unfair, confusing, and as if one is disregarded.  No one explains things in these terms because the ones who know assume it is common knowledge. The ones who don't know figure ways to cope.



It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The weird part is how you come to me in a dream. You are different and seem genuine honest and fair.  Is this your agony?  You aren't able to fully be yourself because of social confines.  The look on your face was like a mask ripped off by the unsuspecting hand of reality.   I just imagine these things from nothing?  If it was meant to be obvious it would but it isn't.  I have no power to change those type of perceptions.  This isn't uncommon, no. This is typical for my life.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

You are famous on the internet, that website is private.

Here fill out this form. Have a seat wait for your number to be called.

What is your phone number?

It's on the form in your hand, you told me to fill it out.

I can't read your writing.

I would have done this online if your website functioned.

It's not fun to insult people online. It's best to do that in person. The Internet is strictly for communicating.  Not data mining.  Human nature has already been documented.  Technology created the illusion of difference.  You can contemplate that while in the waiting line.



It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The plan is to go where I am wanted, needed.  I have a guy that contacts me early in the morning for same day work.  His messages are cryptic and he changes phone numbers. He lied about a situation when I told a third party about how he was acting.  This is supposedly a legitimate business but the dude scares me. I don't know why he is trying to be strange.  I won't hear from him for a week and all of a sudden I'm supposed to change my schedule and meet him in a half an hour.  I have another person who plays a game saying I have work for you I'll let you know.  I try making contact and it turns into a the runaround over several communication devices.  Predictably odd never ending mysteries.  How open ended games strangely manifest in my life.  I'm sure is a defect in my character.  Until I gain insight into what I doing to cause this I'm trapped in this dilemma. 


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Confusion, is this real?  I don't know what to do.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Why is this so difficult?

Skeptical is a simple way to describe the inquisitive nature that is the human mind.  When trust has been shattered the resulting turmoil has the potential to cut off access to simple fragile emotions that rarely get any use.  By making them impossible to find.  If it is possible to demonstrate the ill effects fraudulent emotions have on people exposed there would be an agency like the CDC to track the spread of deceit like a contagion.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Paradise

My reality is too much of a stretch for your imagination.  The lofty ideals stacked unto my doorstep by you, scattered by the gusty wind.  Encountered by strangers as trash in the gutter.  Caught in the fencing along the roadway.  Dirt and grime covered papers in a parking lot.  Blown into corners.  Litter on a well manicured landscape tangled under ornamental shrubs.  A mark against the beautiful design.  To be gathered and discarded.   How does it feel to not have to know.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Visual humor

Scott -  "You ********"
Lori- "Did you just call me an asterisk"?
Scott - "Yes"
Lori - "I'm crushed"





It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Pushing the Sphere

The back and forth. The process. The act. It is another truth. Like the cloud gathers together to be seen.  The form is shaped because everything is kept around the center and at the same distance. 


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

suppose

The odds of anyone believing, never a single word out loud in real life to each other.  Mind bogglingly profound, it was the truth.  Today a most horrible day was made brighter, even under the cloudy gloom of the seasonal storm.  The day she was facing wasn't going to be pleasant.  This was like an answered prayer.  Whatever this was.  The joy in vulnerability, his point of view helped to create a shape in this mysterious design.  Like a myth in the making, the axis of truth was solid.  Her understanding was still finding words.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Tapping: the primitive brain

Use an ink pen on paper,  mimic the motions of a stylus or a finger on a touchscreen device.  Change your focus from hunting for characters and icons.  To overlay it into a civilized behavior like pen and paper writing.  It's closer to resembling poking something with a stick.  Not at all like the flow of serpentine writing.   Nor the staccato boundaries created by justified margins.  This tapping connects us to our primitive brain: 

• eat it
• mate with it
• kill it

The hand motion of say a stone chipper would have come about through training unless the act is just to pulverize.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

good grief

My job hunt has turned into a strange beast.  I was asked to come in for a second follow up interview.  I waited 45 minutes.  The woman never showed up.  I went to another interview. The guy never showed up. I called the number I had.  They said we'll have someone call you.  Late in the evening I get a text from the guy.  Saying Hi, I lost my phone.  I responded.  I think he lost his phone again, because he didn't answer.  I assume this is a tactic to see how desperate I am to work for these people.  I'm dealing with incongruent ideas.  One is being deceptive play along to get a job.  The other is the fantasy of tripping, falling and landing onto my destiny.  I'm having weird dreams at night that are twisting my sense of reality.  Causing me to see different layers of this game.  Today I'm off to get poked and prodded some more. 

I need to find the balance where I have more value working then I do being unemployed.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Ritual Drowning

Slavic rite of spring. 


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Yes Siree

Her hand wasn't strong enough to break free from his grip.  Convinced of her capture she stopped fighting.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

You can dream...so can I

Whose imaginary reality?

Proverbs 14:10 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

10 The heart knows its own bitterness,
And a stranger does not share its joy.

https://www.biblegateway.com

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Repeatedly

https://atesgulcugil.wordpress.com/greek/minoan-snake-goddess-1600-bc/

A woman and a snake. A snake, the snake. A woman, the woman.  Yesterday on the drive to a job interview.  I missed the short cut.  The road I ended up on coincided with a rigid paper floating in the air.  It was around 15 feet off the ground.   Hovering near the roadway.  It was probably 12 feet in length.  It reminded my of the Minoan snake goddess statue.  Like her invisible hand was clutching that rigid paper floating made sense to me in that moment.  The number of times an ethereal snake story is repeated in different cultures.  The Chinese Dragon that floats in parades.  It made as much sense as it needed to.  I went on my way to forget my bad habits of trying to make sense out of nonsense.  I will get used to letting go of fixating thoughts that have prevented me from communicating in a current frame of mind.  A wound the protective barrier from an injury.  A strange day to consider wounds.  The smell of roses when I left the church.  Stigmata the wounds repeated.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Padre Pio relics at Queen of Angels church Riverside Ca.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

z

Trolled vs Controlled

Under a bridge if you wanted to pass the troll would appear.  You'd be quizzed before crossing.  The importance of moving across water has sadly lost meaning in the world of give me, give me.  You see that, my dear, has been the issue all this time.  This has never been about me.  It is about you, and you, and you.  Spellbound by your own doing.  It's worth repeating it's about you, and you, and you.  Again it's about you, and you, and you. 


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

In a channel where water flows like my thoughts not a place to make a foundation. Pushed toward solid ground. I'm healing.  It's a strange feeling when a new realization overcomes my familiar ideas. Things I hadn't before considered, a simple thought.  Had I managed to mend my brokenness.  I had.  I was able to find what I was seeking.  The dust, my soul.  The things that will no longer matter.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Cloud 9

Brightly lit silvery sparkling swirls form like a cloud.  A gathering together but not solid.  Moving within turbulent constricted space and at the same time controlled and calm.  Confined anatomical features necessary for human contact.  Our capacity to reason prohibits interdimensional oneness.  The ability to defy our limits.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

A critque.(scribble) A review. (scribble) An acknowledgement of your anger

A rambunctious writing spree that created the feeling of being trapped on a rollercoaster.  Getting on board and buckling up.  The anticipation built while waiting.  The line felt like 24 years long.   Ratcheting up the clanky hill. The first drop released some of the excitement.  An aburpt stop began the feeling of confusion.  The feeling of being harnessed and trapped created anxiety. Time turned that from frustration to rage.  Ending up exhausted by hopelessness and despair.  The news of this event was preempted by a viral video of a Hillary supporter's 3 year old grand daughter making fart noises in front of a picture of Trump.  If that was your intention Bravo!  It's like discovering that place where the vacuum crevice tool can't suck. Discovering a colony of life forms dwelling unchallenged.

The past few weeks have been like trying to determine the proper formula to solve a distance rate and time equation.  At a job interview.  I was told the position I applied for was filled.  I was offered a different position.  I informed the interviewer yesterday I received an email saying I didn't qualify for that position.  It must have been a time saving/money saving auto response.  She was unaware it was sent from her email address with her name on it.  I informed her I was very qualified for that job, but it wasn't obvious when written in a sentence being read by a bot. I signed up for a workshop and haven't heard back from a specific person.  This week my sister forwards an email from that specific person.  He sent it to her so she could spread the word about the workshop.   This job hunt is beginning to feel like I'm writing my name on bathroom walls and waiting for someone desperate enough to call.  I got a fill in the blank invitation from a collaborative artsy group.  I'm supposed to divine the time, date, and place from the ether. I thought maybe they wrote in milk and I was supposed to heat the paper over a candle. They didn't.  It is very tragic what has become of the entertainment industry.  It's been dead so long the cadaver doesn't stink anymore.

Being raised Catholic the idea of suffering was; if it can happen to me it happened to Him first.  This is an easy place for a comic to go to find irreverent humor.  However  trying at this point, I'm remaining positive.  For me I see a contemplative dimension that ancient humans accessed.  What was possible through inspired thinking.  The ability to gain access.  A modern translation is isolating.  So when what's his name asked Jesus "What is truth"? How would that man have known to question truth.  How did a writer of that time know to write a story with the depth dialogue.  If we've come from being that far into other dimensions why haven't we documented more autonomy in humankind?



It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Tissue paper in the morning dew

Signs of brain activity in him.  His body looked to be about 30 years old.  The body ages without a guarantee the mind will.  A formal rite of passage no longer available to the modern male.  It was too icky for the gentle soul being carried in his shoulder bag.  Daily dosed by should and shouldn't.  The cell phone light illuminated his aura like a celestial halo.  Never hurt a fly that's the standard measure of goodness for a modern male.  Impossible to get him through the ford with dry feet.  Unpleasantries are to be avoided.  Unblemished he would remain on one side of the river.   Plenty of wondrous distractions to remain content.  His innocence assured the tender beings he encountered they could remain carefree.  Like a cold breeze can bring about the crystal tone sound from the wind chime.  He was precise and refined.  The perfect specimen to display on a poster or under a bell jar.  Wilted by the slightest of change.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

meant

He made himself impossible to talk to.  She knew there was no point in asking so she didn't.  He shot down any opportunity she tried to talk to him.  She couldn't wait any longer she made the call to her reliable friend.  "Hey can you pick me up"?  He over heard the phone conversation.  He positioned himself out of view and glared at her.  He started a meaningless conversation with the cashier.  Talked like they were old friends.  She walked outside to the dark sidewalk and waited.  He deepened his contacts with the company gals.  Which seemed to be his intent all along.  Piquing their interest would give him an advantage in the long run.  He didn't realize the count down had begun and soon the game board would change.  What he thought was a moral high ground would soon become indistinguishable when overlaid with other plains of existence.  She knew from the dream world the playful bear would get hungry.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Thursday?

Was that an invite.  The reality her mind was being pulled into left her confused.  Did he say Thursday?  It was getting worse for her the closer she moved toward that destination.  She would be further into the forest.  More trees and those unknown sounds.  She would be alone.  What type of maniac would expect a woman to go there alone.  She felt it like the tide.  A pulse.  The constant rhythmic push and pull.  This type of offering makes the explanation sound idiotic, purely insane.  Why did you go there?  What were you thinking?  It made such beautiful sense at the time.  Her mind was playing tricks on her.  The sense of fear, a gauge for delusions like this.  Why did he need her to be far from home?  The place she felt safe.  This would ultimately become the choice because it was too frightening.  Her mind would focus on defending her, a concept never mentioned.  Without him filling in details her mind had to resolve the dilemma.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Describe your personality in one word : sandpaper

Here it is the end of February.  I'm still unemployed.  Today I have an appointment at the unemployment office.  I'm hoping it will be a sadistic encounter.  I don't know what point in time I realized I love to be be abused, and degraded.  It has become my life in many beautifully fascinating ways.  The flush of embarrassment.  The warmth takes over your body.  Those comforting warm sensations in front of everyone. They stare in wonder.  Knowing in that moment in that group I'm not being envied or despised.  I'm alone in a group of humans.  It is a fantastic feeling.  So I'll be at my required meeting hoping there is still some sort of job in the State of California for a quirky 50+ white woman with a robust sense of humor. 


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Haunted

Decisions that haunt a lifetime. All the strange unsaid happenings.  They were beginning to multiply.  Why now what was the cause of the increase.  She was used to being pulled into directions without having questions answered. This was different. Fear sat down to watch. It began to last longer.  The words found their way within a thought. Like a trance was this time shaped moment becoming real?


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Now

The night called me to come outside.  It always nice to get an unexpected visit such as this.  I put on my jacket and the slip on shoes I leave by the door.  Outside the half moon is bright.  The air is thin and delicate. It felt fragile like thin porcelain.  It's the type of air that carries sounds and smells great distances.  Metal becomes obedient In this type of cold.  I walked out to the fence that lines the road.  I could smell wood smoke.   It was a sweet smell burning at a perfect temperature.  The night was too excited to sleep.  The lonely bond that has been created seeing without being able to touch.  The excitement being created with the changes.  The day would soon arrive.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

My path has led me to the great hallway of life. All the closed doors. People I talk with seem to be having conversations with someone else in the room. Like I'm invisible not being included into the plan.  I'm bored with it I can't even motivate myself to be cynical.  I went hiking yesterday saw penis art painted along the trail.  The wild man and his penis.  The world of pretense is the ultimate boner killer.  The lost tribe of penis has welcomed new members. The modern world is on a penis seek and destroy mission.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Why Does Everything Seem So Surreal After Brain Injury?

https://www.brainline.org/author/emilie-godwin/qa/why-does-everything-seem-so-surreal-after-brain-injury

From the article:

Some people with brain injury may also experience what doctors refer to as depersonalization (DP) and/or derealization (DR). Depersonalization describes the experience of feeling like you are removed from yourself or as if you are in a dream. Derealization is the sensation that the world around you is unreal or is profoundly and grotesquely changed. Often, DP and DR occur at the same time. The majority of people who note frequent bouts with DP/DR have experienced some type of significant trauma. DP/DR can also occur as a result of injuries or illnesses which impact neurological functioning. Although there is still much to learn with respect to why some people experience DP/DR following a traumatic brain injury, the experience may be more common than was previously thought. In fact, in one study, as many as half of the patients with TBI reported experiencing at least occasional instances of DP/DR¹,². It appears that people with TBI may be more likely to experience DP/DR when they also meet the criteria for a diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Simpson Park Hemet California

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The Job Fair

Going to a job fair today.  I'm going to have a funnel cake.  Ride on the spinning rides. See the baby animals.  In reality I get to pass out my circus freak resume and my disjointed work history.  A 50+ under achiever with a computer addiction.  I have big dreams in my basket that get stolen over and over is what my cover letter explains.  I have great coping skills that I'd love to market.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Diagnosed underachiever

My husband was outside posting the America flag  because it was Presidents Day.  While he's out front an employee from my former employer drivers by in the company car.  He turns the car around.  Pulls up to my gate and asks "Did she find a job yet"?  My husband told him no.

Okay I let it slide when they said they didn't owe me an explanation on why I was being let go. I let it slide when they continued to call my phone.  Now they are driving by my house.  I live on a dirt road that dead ends.

Maybe this is some strange fetish where a company lays people off and then torments them while they collect unemployment.  The first item on the agenda at the company board meeting.  How much anguish did we create?
Company President: "Who has the follow up reports on the newly layed off"?
Employee: "We've made several taunting phone calls, text messages, one ominous email and a drive by.  They appear to be living like the Who's in Whoville.  Carrying on their traditions like we don't matter".
Company President: "I can't masturbate to this, somebody bring me a bottle of customer tears, make sure it's room temperature".

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Martyr Insurance

Sign up and you are guaranteed to die a martyr.  You can live your life worry free.  No one should have to worry about, food, clothing , shelter, education , medical care.  So why should you.  Now you can include dying a Martyr on to that list.  You can also have a shrine built in your honor. 
Travel, don't lock your doors, walk through dark alleyways, sleep under tall bridges,  drive an unreliable car on long stretches of desolate road.  Ask for directions in unfamiliar neighborhoods. Work the night shift at a convenience store gas station.  Drive fast and erratic through police check points.  Scratch that itch at your waistband while police are yelling "show me your hands"
It's all covered sign up today.  Retroactive coverage available.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Right there

She lived like a creature completing the chaos.  Not to be understood but to understand.  It didn't make sense. To include all of what is seen, heard.  Disconnected, separate.  The space between held possibility.  To create it was meant for that.  To make it happen seemed like cheating.  To show it was possible was the highest purpose.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The field plowed years ago.  Like a clean slate, a new beginning.  This was the place of constant change.  Nothing old lasted it wasn't supposed to.  An Oak tree made thick dark shade.  A lovely place to rest.  In the open field the sun coaxed the seeds to split open and find their purpose.  Locked inside buried.  The growth in both directions. Upwards and downwards.  Whatever the seed would become was quick and temporary.  The growing season would  turn under what was left of the plant.  The tradition was the constant change.  Not a place for long term plans. The growth quick and temporary.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Crown

Some people enjoy hurting people.  Some people enjoy killing people.  Pain and or death as a goal.  How sadistic or psychopathic a person, chooses to be, could be measured.  But usually isn't discussed unless they act on it and are caught.  How comfortable they become with those type of feelings inflicting pain or causing death can be studied.  Each person has a limit to what amount of tension is needed for their breaking point.  Breaking point as in overwhelmed and unable to cope.  A person who goes on a murderous rampage or becomes a calculated killer moves out of a human conscience level and is dealing within a realm that is as real as the world we live in.  It has a different set of rules, punishments, and rewards.  Stories of people encounters.  Stories brought into our world under the influence of this realm.  Being invited into that realm is complex but simple.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Deliberate

He wanted to trip her just to see her fall. It worked. The knee she fell on tore the fabric and her skin. He offered no assistance. She now had a brand new pair of pants that needed mending. Her knee would scab and eventually scar. The healing process would be a reminder of what happened. She noticed the look on his face right after she stood up. He was pleased. She knew he did it on purpose. There was nothing she could do about that. It would seem to be her lot in life. Now that he made her aware of his tendencies he was going to raise the stakes. Each time his game would become more dangerous. As time went on she learned he grew up in an environment of criminals. He was used to playing games to create tension. Everything was a power play. She was being initiated. He was intrigued by her straightforward manner. His games focused on undermining her confidence. If she defended herself he would become more devious. If she didn't react he become more obvious. His warped fantasies always involved humiliation.  Her warped fantasies always involved being a willing victim.  Nothing syrupy just spontaneous and vicious.  Each mastering their awareness tuned up.  The final score didn't matter. He was looking for life in her that wasn't there. Her heart was dead long before she ever met him.  For him there was a second chance far away from her.

She saw him, he was no stranger, on the cemented path next to the railroad tracks. Nice hair she thought.  She knew it was the devil when he turned his head and smiled at her.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

If we're playing pictionary can I get better clues?

Pewter Age Goat herders?  

Glass, animal skin pillows? 

Let me guess THC inspired home decor.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

"He was weird"

TV reporter - Did you know the shooter?
Teenage public school student - He was weird.
TV reporter - What did your teachers do?  Did any adult on campus intervene years or months prior?
Teenage public school student - He was weird.
TV reporter- Did anyone try and utilize any type of out reach for this guy to help him feel less ostracized?
Teenage public school student - He was weird.
TV reporter - There you have it being weird makes you non human.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Making the fifth wound

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Paying for the alibi

The debt is never paid.  She sold him the cigarettes proof he was there. The camera time stamped the transaction.  He would of rather died himself if he didn't think he could win.  He chose not to try. What was he guarding.  He couldn't handle the power.  He was just a nice guy.  He bowed his head to amatuerishly acknowledge the overfed buffoon.  He ran the company like a toad.  Zapping incests on the fly with his sticky tongue.  His voice changed to the croaking accent.  It was a dry year made sense for him to take over.   His bumpy skin covered by expensive silk shirts.  He plopped around full of flab.  The bright stripes lined up at the seams perfectly. His face was lovely, adorable you could say.  A momma's boy.  He did what he was told, obviously, ate all the food on his plate. How to get him to see his lack of confidence kept the toad covered in silk.  A pile of crap guaranteed flies.  Whatever he was hiding blinded him.  One less warrior this battle would be lost.  Nothing to fight for.  The victory certainly doomed by lack of courage.  To speculate tragedy became a fashion statement.  What rhythms with boring?


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Truth the forbidden fruit of Atheism

Tomatoes?  When I buy tomatoes in a see through glass container I have a high expectation. Compared to the type I purchase without a peek.  Canned and covered is where the blemished tomatoes end up.  They now call them petite diced. Like they're gourmet tomatoes. Why haven't consumers expected them to have been petite diced all along.  This ultra secret version of tomatoes has finally arrived to the peasantry.  I can hear the tap water filled glasses toasting over the petite diced tomato cans.  Whatever the label reads that's what you have to work with.  How come I'm up against this militaristic type mindset dealing with these people talking about being fair and reasonable. I'm not able to study canned tomatoes to make a reasonable choice.  I get a picture of what a batch of tomatoes looked like 10 months ago.  More than likely the image was edited before the label purchase order was printed.  You can tell me I not being reasonable.  I'm judgmental and not a risk taker.  All things considered humans suspend massive amounts of judgment throughout the day.   It used to be a tradition long before Atheism was invented. People didn't use Oregano during lent, from ash Wednesday until Easter Sunday.  You won't hear it mentioned because those type of people have passed on.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Conversation stopper

A glass of milk a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a paper plate. He wasn't accustomed to this type of rustic meal. Whatever potential inconvenience his life posed it was quickly resolved without him having to dwell on anything real outside the influence of the family fortune. Anything he needed a favor anywhere on the globe. He was connected through diligence, that was what the family called it. The family was a bought and paid for disconnected group, in the way people push a shopping cart through a store aisle and make selections. He had no intention of consuming what sat before him. He looked down on this city. The huddled, the unwashed creatures breathing their germs in this shared space. He was refined enough to act the part of being relaxed. Acting lessons the essential weapon. The value in this city increased his bank account. Created out of a need for an annual write off.  Not looking for solutions, but creating desperation to guarantee future income.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The Devil in the details

"I'm going to be dead before you get around to planning a date".  The talking device in her hand felt like a childish toy.  "It's ridiculous, having to use this silly thing".  "You've been pulling on my heart strings for what seems like ten lifetimes.  Was this what you wanted an anti-climatic affair"?  Cobwebs in the ballroom and a tattered faded streamer.  Attached to the rafter higher than a kite string.  "Must have been some party, through two centuries.  Aren't you supposed to be the fun brother?"  He put his cloven hoof next to the pillar and scratched at the marble. Scuffing at the accumulated soot.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

bike ride

Along a secluded stretch of the beautifully landscaped bike path.  He waited.  She rode up noticing he wasn't dressed to exercise.  She felt afraid.  He stood on the path facing her.   She stood and peddled in case he tried to prevent her from passing. Where he was standing, the trail curved.  He could monitor who was approaching in both directions simultaneously.  She shouldn't be here alone.  She didn't want to feel frightened but she did.  Later that day she recalled it being the man from the college who asked her about typing.  Her understanding of being stalked like prey wasn't able to manifest.  She felt like a nuisance. An insignificant human.  Someone focusing time and effort onto her wasn't something she was accustom to.  That fear of being alone in that moment with that man. Was from a different sense then her place in the world.  Her place throughout time.  Her ability to defend her life.   It is a stress the modern world tries to subdue.  The illusion of equality.  The mastery of the ego.  The primitive pecking order.  The well being of all.  The sense of self each individual brings along inside their daily journey.  The events that lead up to a violent encounter. The breaking point where civility ends.  Primitive actions don't mean violence but how to know what switches the mind from one to the other varies inside people.  An outdoor setting verses a library. Behavior constraints and socially established mannerisms.  Nothing guarantees current stable human interaction.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The difference

Things that were and things that weren't.  The sights and sounds.  The worries.  The thoughtful wishes.  The motion.  The mirrored door.  With years added up, back then should seem different. For things to be different things should have changed.



It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

"Are you in a hurry"? He spoke loud enough to catch her attention as she walked past him. She turned and looked at him. "I like your outfit it looks nice". Of course she stopped to talk to him he was being honest. She was aware of deception, knew it was easily masked in flattery but today she needed to hear a nice person talk to her. Whether or not he honestly needed help didn't matter. He explained he needed someone who could type a few pages. Her typing was messy and she didn't have access to a typewriter. He told her she could use the machines available in the computer lab and he would be patient with her typing skills. Somehow the conversation turned into his time spent in the military. She had checked out of the conversation over her low self esteem. She fixated on her bad typing. What for her began as a potentially uplifting encounter. Became her own private internalized discussion. This one began and ended with you just aren't good enough. If he was looking for a victim, there she was, a perfect victim. She didn't notice after saying bye, he followed her 21st a distance to her house.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Kneeling to wipe the sweat and blood from his temple. Horribly beaten he was making an attempt to stand. A body inundated by abuse willing to rise. Not concerned with a back story or who to blame. She wanted to see his human face. To wipe away the anonymity the blood created. Glistening but not reflective enough to mirror ones own image. The human suffering nourished where lust left one empty. The abuse fulfilled unbound greed. The blood trapped under the skin purple like the robe of a king. A hail of jeers, and humorous bile. Eyes glancing the crowd watching a celebration of freedom.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Telling the wind I surrender

He thought he killed her. Her lifeless body was dead long before the knife severed her artery. She existed. He couldn't kill what was not alive. The child she bore, one of many. Sustained by hatred. Her offspring fed on pith. In between those sweetened moments of charity. The human kindness coaxed by desperation. The beggars folly. The branches that fruit. The branches that wither. The turn of events satisfying the eternal unknown. The temporary blindness that occurs in initial darkness. In the beginning...


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

How to uncreate an evil deed

He wanted the chase. He wanted to terrorize women. He liked to create panic. He walked out the door behind her with heavy steps so she knew he was behind her. Her pace quickened in response. He gained a sense of control no matter how brief. He played on the emotions of any woman. He knew it was easy to establish a vantage point. He hadn't acknowledged the sadistic person he was. He was not able to fully act out his fantasy. Which left him frustrated. He buried himself in a routine of eat, sleep, work. How to uncreate an evil deed using coping skills, rather than forensics. That area of the human psyche gets daily use and seldom acknowledgements. Over time as the social landscape changes adapting can become tricky. The level of stress it takes to push beyond primitive human instinct. The dangerous place being within arms reach of a fellow human rarely needs to be considered. The sixth sense is how humans communicate with like minds. It's not difficult to distinguish stress amongst humans. A false sense of hope can suffice like holding your breath underwater can keep your lungs dry.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Profound moments

Tuesday put me in a frame of mind that created nausea.  Like spinning on a merry-go-round as a child.  The change of perception caused through self induced disorientation.  Also known as a weird feeling.  It could also be described as dread.  Perhaps it is being so grounded I could sense the spin of the earth.  I was tuned in and connected.  That mental scar that makes me numb.  A woman approached me in a parking lot.  She told me she had just gotten out of the hospital.  She explained her food stamps ran out.  I stopped her and said you are 3 blocks from the county office.  She said my ribs are broken.  I thought of Eve.  I wanted to tell her no your ribs aren't broken. It was Adam's rib that was broken off to create us.  I start thinking about my healed wounds, my needs, my wants.  I got to my car and said "God help me".  I could see in how many instances I have reasons to be thankful.  I continued on with my day.  In an odd series of events.  I ended up at the college MSJC.  I had offered a person a ride to class.  MSJC is where I met my cherished friend in a music class.  We had to come to Hemet to meet each other.  The friend I needed as a child.  I met as an adult.

My mind is flooded with memories.  I've written and deleted so many things in this post.  Not sure what to do with this information.  I want to write in a way that makes it useful.  Honest but not confused or angry.



It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Feeling like a cosmic balancing act being whatever I'm needed to be.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Shared from an edited text

You are burdened by (that person's) mental state. It is psychological warfare. It is control on (their) part and shuts out any type of thankfulness or gratitude. Strange how it reminds me of the environment I was working in at my former job. Basically it is centered around: I need you but I can't let you know, because if I let you know you will be important and that can never happen. So I can't ever appreciate you because all these things are terrifying.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Unemployed= nonconsumer

Being unemployed means I'm no longer a consumer.  That is the basis or the foundation the unemployment industry is based upon.  I as an unemployed person descend the steps of desperation.  No longer do employers look at a resume to hire.  They look at how long you have been desperate.  They qualify new hires based on the lengthen of time you've been on unemployment.  What type of social services have been utilized.  The employer not only gets a fully scrutinized person they also received a monetary incentive to hire.  The new set of qualifications are financial gain.  The employer receives government funds by hiring a person who is using government aid.  At the same time employers new stance on performance and customer service changed.  Now employers take the position.  If the customer isn't satisfied by the performance of a given company it is the fault of the consumer for coming back and being abused.  The consumer should use the competitor instead of complain. Which means management is fully aware of their abysmal customer service.  They require it from their employees.  Costumers should get used to being abused and lied to or go somewhere else.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The magic mesh

Yesterday marked a month.  I've not had a job for a month. Thursday I got a call again from my former employer to assist a customer.  I told them I didn't work there any longer. Sent a message to the manager asking for my information to be removed.  I said I'd like to forget this and move on.

My jolt of reality helped me to realize a long list of items I haven't been accessing In my life.  I'm thankful.  I'm also learning that being unemployed is an industry.   This industry thrives on people being unemployed.

I'm seeing my path one step at a time.  I'm not being given many options currently which is for now good.

The neighborhood dogs are barking sporadically which is typical when the moon is bright.  I gave my dog a treat at the door.  I have the As Seen on T.V. mesh screen on my door.  My dog passed through with his treat.  The treat got tangled into the mesh.  It slid the treat our of his mouth and hung suspended.  My dog stopped and looked back. Saw it hanging there. He turned and faced it.  I couldn't help laughing.  I untangled it and he took it and went on his way.

It was a good demonstration of my current situation.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

taking a step back

Turmoil, hard times, life shaping moments. I'm allowed to write my story.




It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Massacre Canyon San Jacinto California

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Indubitably

"Stop being difficult.  If you'd just let him tickle you he gets his way and then leaves you alone.  You can go about your business".  He was trying to convince her she needed to play along.   Learn the ropes.  She knew no matter how precise she spoke he wasn't going to hear her.  His rules were for him.  There was another set of rules for her.  If she played along it was consent.  She had already tired and it turned into something unpleasant.  Her resistance was followed up by threats.  What did he care.  His position was solid.  He could remain disinterested.  If she spoke the truth she would be seen as hostile, bitter.  Her ideas were of no value.  He felt like a guardian telling her to play along.   Playing along was a man's approach.  Money was pulled from a pocket in a big roll. Just play along.  This is how we do things here. She walked out.  He had enough money and power to do whatever he pleased.  All the other girls were willing to bend to him.  She didn't know why she needed to.  He had desperate people at his disposal.  They would do whatever he asked.  Her fear of playing along blinded her to the looming danger of not participating.  Mental wellness having a sound mind.  In part included learning how to manage these situations.  Her mental state could withstand even if her physical body broke.  The situation filled all the roles it didn't require more players.  Outside again.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Lunar spectacle

This morning I watched the lunar spectacle.  The sky was dark.  I could see the stars when I turned off the porch light.  When the light from the sun began to illuminate the sky.  I went back outside.  The full moon began to set in the west.  I don't know at what point it began to appear like a crescent moon, but that is what I saw.





It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Once is evil, twice is maniacal

I love fetus art

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Intimacy

What is intimacy.  My first marriage ended when I was given a choice between obedience to my husband or obedience to God.  I chose obedience to God.  I had to dance with devil.  He was there waiting as I walked out the door.  I moved to this odd little town in the desert and began a new life.  Being alone and single was an important part of my journey.  A turning point happened when I lost a key.  It was a security item and I got into big trouble. (15 years later I find out the person who stole the key was finally fired for stealing other items, 25 years later my name has never been cleared).  The key incident set me on a weird heady path.  I was forced to experience a living nightmare.  It led me to a single moment.  I had a vision of Christ.  I was instantly transformed.  At baptism a seed is planted.  My intimate relationship with Christ deepened.  The growth of my faith.  No my life didn't immediately improve.  In fact it got worse.  Until an ex recommended me for a job and that is where I met my current husband (who I had a vision of during the disturbing time in my life) .  A month later I'm pregnant.

Here and now today I'm watching people posture and pretend to have insight in how best to approach life and solve issues.  Blatantly lying, to convince an audience. God works in mysterious ways.  I look for truth as the rare element it is.
Many words, and imagery but truth is not there.

Matthew 10:14 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

14 Whoever does not receive you, nor heed your words, as you go out of that house or that city, shake the dust off your feet.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Mr. Callous

"I have no where to put my feet". She stated as she was being forced to pose like a prop. "Just relax". He spoke unconvincingly demanding she accept her dilemma.  He snapped the picture.  The tension and coercion captured in her expression.  She had a sense it was time to start asking questions.   Her grasp of the situation was being revealed.  The humor met the sadness.  Creating an image, to share with an audience,  the years of nonsense, surrounded by prestige. 

She has nowhere to step. It was like walking on clouds. He coaxed her forward saying he cares.  He ran ahead playing.  "You have to catch up.  Don't worry.  Don't trouble yourself with worry".  Her voice amused and subdued "I feel like that girl in the picture. Unsure, used.  A toy that can be tossed into a box and forgotten. You can tell me I shouldn't feel that way.  I have no place to put my feet".  The parallel unsettling.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96