Sometimes life has to take you on a tour so the subtleties can be pointed out and explained. I get impatient because I feel like I've been on this tour long enough. It makes it seem as if I've seen this before. Heard this story enough times I have it memorized. Something in me keeps my attention unsettled. I used to feel overwhelmed by it. Now I'm comfortable with a skill I've not been able to master. This thought will have to wait. I have to get to work...

I'm sure it was a coincidence.   This morning I pulled into the convenience store to get a cup of coffee.  I ran into a guy I've been thinking about lately.  He was a former romantic interest. Years before he was in a relationship.  I was single but not fully recovered from a recent breakup.  We would flirt but nothing more. He seemed content where he was at that time.  I was tying up loose ends and not looking for more. I knew I hadn't yet recovered from my former life and was aware I was on a destructive path.  Today I can see I was naive and hurt for all the wrong reasons.  Living defensively, I wasn't looking for intimacy.  I was looking for answers.  What happened to my life, I was preparing to be married.  We were driving to put down the deposit at the reception venue. He locked the keys in the car with the envelop of cash.  He was excellent at planning things.  In the time stranded waiting for the tow truck he let me know he couldn't marry me.  It was clever.  I couldn't leave.  I couldn't become hysterical in a public place.  It forced me to sit and listen to him completely.  He had been able to orchestrate and manipulate me. He controlled the entire situation.  I felt hurt, embarrassed, confused.  Why me?  Was anything certain. Was I practice? A challenge? An easy victim? I couldn't make sense of it and especially didn't trust my own judgment.

Here was a reminder how the mind creates perceptions.  Today I felt the off feeling something wasn't right but I gave him my number anyway.  I have my feet solid on the ground now.  His presence took me back to a place in time.  The feeling I had this morning reminded how vulnerable I was.  I wondered if I had changed. Did he see me as vulnerable then and now?  I've been introspecting ever since the encounter.  My mind jumps back to the past, was he interested in the former me.  Forward to the present will he call?  Am I different, will he notice?  Am I the same, will I be tricked again?

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96