Lunar spectacle

This morning I watched the lunar spectacle.  The sky was dark.  I could see the stars when I turned off the porch light.  When the light from the sun began to illuminate the sky.  I went back outside.  The full moon began to set in the west.  I don't know at what point it began to appear like a crescent moon, but that is what I saw.





It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Once is evil, twice is maniacal

I love fetus art

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Intimacy

What is intimacy.  My first marriage ended when I was given a choice between obedience to my husband or obedience to God.  I chose obedience to God.  I had to dance with devil.  He was there waiting as I walked out the door.  I moved to this odd little town in the desert and began a new life.  Being alone and single was an important part of my journey.  A turning point happened when I lost a key.  It was a security item and I got into big trouble. (15 years later I find out the person who stole the key was finally fired for stealing other items, 25 years later my name has never been cleared).  The key incident set me on a weird heady path.  I was forced to experience a living nightmare.  It led me to a single moment.  I had a vision of Christ.  I was instantly transformed.  At baptism a seed is planted.  My intimate relationship with Christ deepened.  The growth of my faith.  No my life didn't immediately improve.  In fact it got worse.  Until an ex recommended me for a job and that is where I met my current husband (who I had a vision of during the disturbing time in my life) .  A month later I'm pregnant.

Here and now today I'm watching people posture and pretend to have insight in how best to approach life and solve issues.  Blatantly lying, to convince an audience. God works in mysterious ways.  I look for truth as the rare element it is.
Many words, and imagery but truth is not there.

Matthew 10:14 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

14 Whoever does not receive you, nor heed your words, as you go out of that house or that city, shake the dust off your feet.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Mr. Callous

"I have no where to put my feet". She stated as she was being forced to pose like a prop. "Just relax". He spoke unconvincingly demanding she accept her dilemma.  He snapped the picture.  The tension and coercion captured in her expression.  She had a sense it was time to start asking questions.   Her grasp of the situation was being revealed.  The humor met the sadness.  Creating an image, to share with an audience,  the years of nonsense, surrounded by prestige. 

She has nowhere to step. It was like walking on clouds. He coaxed her forward saying he cares.  He ran ahead playing.  "You have to catch up.  Don't worry.  Don't trouble yourself with worry".  Her voice amused and subdued "I feel like that girl in the picture. Unsure, used.  A toy that can be tossed into a box and forgotten. You can tell me I shouldn't feel that way.  I have no place to put my feet".  The parallel unsettling.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

It's my call

Yesterday I went to the grocery store. Stopped at the gas station. I turned off my vehicle and was approached but a panhandler. He had an odd way of speaking. I heard quarter. I asked "why do you need a quarter"? I heard food, drink. I asked if he believed in God Jesus. He said Aizen. I told him I was in a bad situation myself. Then he asked me for a dollar. He stared at me in a really strange way. I said we aren't understanding each other. He walked away.  Two small children in car seats alone in the car at the next pump. When I replaced my gas cap still no adult anywhere near the car. I approached the store entrance. A young woman was walking out with snacks. I asked are those your children? She said yeah why? I told her I didn't want to leave after seeing them alone. She walked off like I was insane. I pull in and park at the grocery store. As I'm approaching the entrance I hear yelling. Several woman are yelling loudly they sounded like they were related. I said a prayer that all involved gain insight. I get inside. The area where the carts are stored is blocked by a large crowd of people peering out the window. I pushed my way through them to get a cart. As I pushed a cart towards them. They were all dispersing. Not because the yelling had stopped. I put my groceries on the conveyor belt. Talked with the clerk. Let him know the Pho from the local restaurant he recommended was delicious. He told me his mom and sister were in Vietnam on vacation. He will be able to go next visit. His mom had family there. I wish I could visit my dear friend who moved out of State. I miss her and it isn't fair we can't meet in person just because I can't afford that trip. I encountered a con artist, an aloof mom, a family argument, and I'm poor. I could rearrange this to better fit my need for a positive narrative. I met a millionaire pretending to be a panhandler he was compiling information to start a business based on giving instead of purchasing. I met a woman who was totally at peace with herself and could face anything no matter how horrible the consequences. I met a family who were ecstatic and wanted to share their joy with the community. I need someone to fund my trip to see my best friend.

Ha is that how it works? Dream big.  The thought that counts.  Dress for the job you want.  Live your dream.  Oh I like this game.  Let's play.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Honestly I don't know

Hi my name is misery.  Yes we've already met.  I saw you walk in and I was avoiding you. The last time I saw you.  It was that game of charades we were playing. I broke the rule and spoke.  Too soon? No it wasn't too soon.  I confessed my sins. It was your clue. Your turn to guess.  I got bored waiting.  My honesty not hardly but I did tell the truth.  If it was just me, sure that was interesting.  The thing is it wasn't just you.  I like how it can become, I mean what it could have become.  If it was meant to be completed.  I don't think that's what it was about.  Misery no one likes you.  That's why you can be so bold because you never notice. 


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Far from perfect Disciple

I'm viewing my life. I'm sitting like a spectator watching. I feel like I received a reality check. I thought I was making sound decisions. Now I'm wondering what happened. Yesterday a former customer contacted me for assistance with my former employer. I did what I could to help. I had to contact former co-workers. It was like I still worked there. I don't want to assign any emotion to this entire situation. I want to allow it to reveal itself. I felt a duty to help that customer who reached out to me. I felt honest connections to the customers I encountered while I was employed. And still I feel a duty to help. I don't think it is wrong for me to feel that way. This is the type of work I've done throughout my career. Being 50+ I'm not in a position to change careers. Earlier that day I bagged the uniform shirts that were taking up space in my closet.  I put my name tag, and the box of business cards all in a stack.  I thought what a waste. One of the shirts I wore one time.  I'm going over how many times this has happened where my plans are yanked from me and given to someone else.  I've always been able to move on and I find my way.  None of this is new.  This time I'm not going to blame myself.  They weren't interested in me and that is how it is.  I have plenty to be thankful for. 

Matthew 5:14-16
“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

Luke 14:27
Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple



It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The illusion is crumbling (a different view)

You contacted me today to tell me you miss me. After all this time I'm cautious about your motive. Something changed in your world. You can't expect me to believe you've been pining after that much time passed. Trying to set up the usual stage to act out your melodrama. If you were a good person and you didn't change that would be reassuring. You not changing brings a nauseous feel. I have to tell you I can't do this again. I'm not able to loan you anymore time. The promises stand like the foundation of ruins. The pieces of truth remain solid. In the rubble the meaningless words you never bound yourself to. You loved to hear your own voice. I feel like I eavesdropped on your love affair with yourself. My fault for listening. My grievous fault.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The Illusion is Crumbling

I thought my job was causing the chaotic storm in my life.  I'm starting to think this is perhaps a natural part of the aging process.  The adjustment in thinking to better align myself with the gray hairs and wrinkles.  I need to calm down.  I need to realize myself as a 50+ adult female is limited to specific concerns.  No one wants to be bothered with the things I think are important, and that's fine.  I need to keep in mind my mental scar.
I read a book yesterday called The No Asshole Rule.  The book sighted mostly research studies of people being tested for peripheral reactions.  I concluded that being an asshole is an information gathering tactic.  To gather information by abuse gets reactions on how people react to being abused.  Social engineering is designed to create predictable outcomes by creating impossible to resolve problems.
My job searching continues.  Technology is a great and wonderful tool.  Lack of human contact within that has me looking for a community.  I found an open mic forum in one town.  I'm another nearby town I found a local hangout. The owners are great.  I'm going to try one of their daily specials this week see how the food tastes.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

making mostly mistakes

Yesterday my job hunting took me to Riverside.  Websites that don't update their content. Grrrrr. The place had a physical address and hours of operation. Went with a friend.  We got there the office was vacant.  Deceptive in a sense, but not malicious.  I have noticed incompetence is rewarded and promoted in the world.  I need to check the batteries in my skeptic meter.  We walked around The Mission Inn also found out they are hiring.  I would love to wear their maid uniform it's a traditional black and white style.  I drove home. I had to go to the grocery store.  I saw lots of people from my former job while I was in town.  It was weird and interesting.  I am thankful I don't have to go in there.  I feel relieved.  The money was nice but the job left me feeling like I was swimming in a drain.  There was an element of anticipation the feeling "Oh we're moving? No we're still here".  Which as I'm writing I think this is my current trial I need to contend with.  I'm still searching but not getting anywhere.  I need a new game plan?  I need to be different.  Those are never good options.  I think if I can figure out how to work with my scarred thinking I will find my way.  I have a difficult time processing what is right in front of me.  My blind spot.  I have too much doubt in my immediate ability to reason I shut it out of any and all decision making.  It is from a wound that healed and deformed my thought process.  I have no way to mend it.  I have to get along with life and accept this is my normal.   Traumatic brain injuries don't just go away.  I'm noticing my age is making that blind spot bigger and making other things more vivid.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Mission Inn Riverside Ca

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

waiting for reality

Applied for two jobs yesterday. The websites each crashed.  One I had to reenter all the information.  The other timed out but I got do not reply emails for each so I figure they went through. I had to follow up on some other unfinished business had an interesting time visiting with people. It's a hollow feeling when after years of wishing things would be different and suddenly there's a change. You aren't able to feel the same passion. What I got was an uneventful moment. Like passing by the same place each day, and overnight someone painted their fence a different color. You'd notice it and keep going. It would have been a different feeling if a three story building collapsed. It was like that after all this time to hear this person say those words. How long I wanted to see this day. It came and went. I couldn't stop and celebrate because I had other things needing my immediate attention. Now I am able to recall the aggravation, the open spaces between what was available to me the hope I felt way back when. The things I had to choose from since what I wanted wasn't available. I can't say it doesn't matter, it does to some extent.  I think I've remained true to my feelings throughout the years and perhaps this is why I'm not feeling exhilarated.  I knew eventually this truth would be discovered.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
A Time for Everything.
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every [a]event under heaven— 
 2 A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. 
3 A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. 
4 A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. 
5 A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. 
6 A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away. 
7 A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak. 
8 A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace.

This was the theme of the year book for my oldest sister one year.  It was a Catholic School using bible verses for a school theme used to be appropriate.  Two years later I'm in a public school being told my Catholic beliefs are Satanic.  It has been a interesting path God set me to walk on.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Tuesday had me reeling

Yesterday I spent the day looking for work. Also made my way through the unemployment insurance maze. I met a few people standing in lines. I dropped off an application and a resume. The sign in the window said now hiring. From the looks of his employees this guy doesn't hire people who look like me. A woman I spoke with while waiting in line told me her story about working for an Amazon warehouse. How that company can get away with treating people the way they do. From what she described I don't want to purchase through Amazon anymore. Another woman started a conversation with me asking me why did God make her short and me tall. She went right into talking about how she only dates tall men. This is the second woman in the past five days to tell me she only dates tall men. This woman spoke like getting a guy was like winning a trophy. I wonder what dating meant to her. Going to dinner? Long walks on the beach? Or nipple clamps and dog collars? What is seen on the surface doesn't give a clear image of what is hidden. The tendency in people to trivialize other people seems to be acceptable. Lying, withholding crucial information, forcing people into making decisions.   I'm accustomed to relying on God to help me. It is quite popular to trivialize Christianity. Catholics are easy to poke fun at. The traditions and the statuary. I've experienced divine intervention. It's unpredictable and chaotic but perfectly timed and elaborately coordinated. God continues to refine imperfect me. Throughout my life I've had dreams of dying. The dreams vary but always I am murdered. Awhile back I saw something and didn't realize the significance. Months later I'm told "they'll never find you". I was left to wonder, why I am being considered a threat. I think someone used me in a power play.  I have no interest in understanding the mindset of the people from that group. I don't know what was told to them that put me on the watch list. I know I'm having dreams again because I'm allowing this to affect me. People having twisted associations with psychopaths. This isn't how I want to relate to people. It is unfair for me to be put into the middle of this. I'm set up to look totally crazy or more powerful than I am. This entry is bouncing off the walls. This is where I find myself these days. Oh yeah and the cherry on top of yesterday was seeing a guy putting deodorant on his face.  Trying to looking crazy to maximize his benefit.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

body = temple

I'm struggling to except I was lied to. I was deeply and thoroughly deceived. It seemed believable. I should have seen the truth when I was being told things about myself that weren't true. I didn't defend myself I didn't say anything. When my life was threatened. I laughed thinking I could be killed over a lie. If my life could be ended by someone who is corrupt and just be forgotten. What a cruel sad joke. That seems to be what know one wants to talk about. Men are allowed to have that much power over women. It is only power. The reciprocal is learn how to be obedient. Understand and endure. Boundaries through, power men can only see that view. I realize men aren't able to see from a point of view that isn't based on power. I'll never understand anyone. I am only able to understand myself. I don't have to know the lies. I only need to know the lies are designed to kill. The truth is powerful.

Proverbs 16:9 The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Luke 18:19 And Jesus said to him, "Why do you call Me good? No one is good except God alone.

Proverbs 16:1 The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.

Proverbs 1:29 Because they hated knowledge and did not choose the fear of the Lord

Proverbs 16:4 The Lord has made everything for its purpose, even the wicked for the day of trouble


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Am I allowed to have a purpose in life

Sunday I got home around 5:00 a.m. I usually go to sleep but I didn't get that drowsy feeling.   Every Sunday I help out but, you know I'm not ready to reveal that much peripheral information.  I have other things to say.  Anyhow I couldn't sleep I guess the seven hours of sleep was sufficient or that cup of coffee was still working.  I actually think it was because I still feel stressed about losing my job and not finding a new one.  Also there are unresolved questions and strange occurrences from my former job I'm still trying to detox from.  I don't need any of this to make sense.  I have to work on not reacting urgently to things where my opinion doesn't matter.

I browsed the Internet, while I made a loaf of bread.  I met a friend to go hiking in a canyon South of town.  We met at our usual coffee spot.  I got there first.  I noticed a man staring at me when I looked at him he didn't look away.  I started to feel a sense of panic.  I sent my friend a text "hurry".  When he got there the man that had been staring had actually been waiting for his wife and family.  He got into the family car and started pointing at me.  So I pointed back at him.  It was silly and one of those situations that contain lots of unsaid feelings of whatever the hell that was about type stuff.  I told my friend to come see the drawing of Mary someone put on an olive tree, like a shrine.  A young man walked up I asked if he knew who drew it, and if someone died. This began a conversation about God.  He seemed willing to tell me his story.  When my friend joined the convo he stopped giving details and said he met God. As he walked away he said remember God does it.  He came back to tell us more about himself.  I asked if he was on drugs.  He said he had been arrested. The situation was strange and getting stranger.  We drove away, my friend and I talked about the different reactions we got from him.  My friend joked and said sometimes I think my last words are going to be: I knew hanging around you was going to get me killed.

We made it to the canyon.  It was barricaded off.  To many people being stupid ruined the spot.  It is weird how the newcomers to town spray paint and throw trash in places that were once nice remote places to explore.  We ended up walking to a different location.

I stopped on the way home to pick up food at a fast food spot.  I went inside to order.  A family brought their child who was obviously sick.  He vomited on the floor near the soda machine.  The woman wiped the child's face and dropped the napkins on the floor.  She never told the employees so they could clean up the mess.  I told one of the employees what happened before someone slipped and hurt themselves.  She went to the food counter without going into the restroom to wash her hands.  They called my number the woman went to grab my bags. I yelled "Don't touch my food you have barf on your hands".  I suppose a little bit of shared germs keeps you inoculated.  There were three adults one of them couldn't have stayed home with the sick child?

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Living (verb) life (noun) live (adj)

I'm still filling out job applications. Going and making contacts with various businesses. I have a lunch date lined for next week.  A stroll around the gardens trip pending.  Maybe try an open mic poetry reading somewhere. This week in my journey I quit reacting and stayed true to my feelings. No need to dance around and entertain the desolate. I am not a vessel for despair.  

I saw the effects of white supremacy this week.  I had a man ridicule me loudly in public just because I'm white.  I stood there and laughed about myself with him.  He stopped and said sorry.  Whether he meant it or not doesn't matter.  His life had been shaped and justified by his hatred of past wounds not inflicted by me.  His soul could be released from that bondage.  That is my prayer for him.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

As we forgive those...and lead us not into temptation

Yesterday I paid off a final debt to someone. The insight gain was minimal.  The world is disconnected and feeling isolated is a real part of being human.  I remember being a young child.  If I wanted to understand something my discoveries always included  isolation, confusion and vivid clarity.  Around people it was always what's right, what's fair.  On my own it was always what is true.  I have learned to follow the inspirations.  Follow the course as it presents itself.

Yesterday along with repaying a debt.  I received a nasty taunting message from a former co-worker.  When I clicked the send button to respond instead of sending, it was deleted.  I took that as a sign to just keep walking on my current path.  I haven't arrived at my destination.  Years ago on a road trip with a group of people we stopped at a gas station mini mart.  The window was shattered.  One of the people in the group asked the clerk what happened.  A guy had come in to purchase alcohol.  He didn't have ID. The clerk told him "go home and bring your mom back to buy it".   I'm sure for him it was satisfying to smash that glass.  I can say witnessing the divine intervention that obliterated that email was equally measured frustration and awe.  Followed up with a loud Thank You Jesus.  It felt complete like the line in that prayer:

...not into temptation but deliver us from evil



It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Lonesome in two worlds

Today I received a call from one of the places I filled out an application.  She had hired someone.  She called to let me know.  Even though I didn't get the job it was nice for her to reach out and make a human connection.  The impersonal world of robotic, automated, computerized everything.  A lonely world will become lonelier without the human connection.  Will humans adapt in the future and accept this?


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

50 somethings

I went through the drive thru this morning at 1:00 a.m.  A guy was standing in the drive thru in front of me.  They wouldn't give him his food because he wasn't in a car.  I told him to give me his money I'll get it for you, or get in.  He gave me his money and got into my car.  Oddly enough it was an interesting encounter.  We talked awhile and went our separate ways.  The strange part when I told him I was recently laid off from (_____).  He asked if I knew so and so.  I had been thinking about so and so while I was making my way to town.

We talked about how strange Hemet has become.  All the desperate people meandering about.  We were the same age.  We talked about how angry the world has become and it's effect on our little town.

It reminded me of being a teenager going out meeting people hanging out talking, without being afraid. It was a glimpse back into a world that still exists waiting to be utilized again.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Giving me perspective

This makes three.  It was yesterday.  The director asked everyone to step under the canopy.  The services began it started raining.  His wife commented he loved the rain.  He'd want us to cover his Jeep.  He had been struggling with illness.  His health declined quickly.  It happened suddenly.  It was a big sudden change.  Like my job.  Gone.  She saw him suffer a long time.  His coffin was lowered into the deep grave.  She commented she would be on top of him.  My friend has a wonderful spirit. Such a talented woman.  She always made goodies to feed everyone.  This day she made a giant cake. I ate two pieces.  One side was cream filled the other side jelly filled.  I look forward to spending time with her.  She is always quick to laugh.  Quick to help.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Discard

I used to be important to you. I captivated you. You wanted to know how I was made. You felt that way about me once. Your eyes have you convinced this is now where you want to be. Operating on probability. Now to cover your tracks. There is a difference, but who's going to know, no one will care enough to try. Without a body there is no crime. Tell me again, remind me how this was for the greater good, while you wipe off the traces of me. Sitting down to search the soul. Into a place you don't want to know. Soak the embers warmth into the skin. Flushed with embarrassment on the surface, there is no depth. 


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

God made a mistake?

He wanted absolute control.  She was too stupid, to think correctly.  She made insane choices. She didn't think correctly.  He had to lay it out for her so she could think, be a better person.  If she didn't do as he wanted she was stupid and insane.  Plain to see the mental capacity being dictated by the man who makes the rules. The constant ever changing rules.  Her inability to know the rules and obey the rules was proof of her hysterical insanity.  No one else on the planet was quite as stupid as her.  He told her you want me to yell at you.  He told her to grow up if she tried to defend herself.   She could never be anything but what he determined for her.

He told her what her childhood was like even though he wasn't around then.  Even when faced with the facts he told her she just couldn't remember correctly.  He had it all figured out and she better learn to play along.  The rule maker had spoken.  She was not capable of knowing her own life before she met him.



It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Human disconnection

The moments when life looses the shimmer.   The hope for better.  The memory of fun.  The feeling of time makes what's known seem unfamiliar.  The odd remark, the inquiry couldn't answer.  The page of words hadn't been typeset as usual.  The unsettled sense being created had nothing to do with this space in time.  It wasn't a time for deciding.  The pressure to choose repeated over and over like a blinking caution light.  The repetitiveness wasn't reassuring.  Not able to focus on anything.  The senses distort to stave off panic.  I start by noticing my breathing.  My heart not racing, my body not feeling flush.  What was happening?  Why was I feeling the moment in deep thought.  I tapped my finger on my breast bone.  I become fully aware.  I focus my gaze around me.  I notice a young man lowering his head like I caught him looking at me.  If his being was submerged in desperation that just passed through me, he was very troubled. 

I felt myself drawn to him, but I was unsure about approaching him. 


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Knock knock. Who's there? God

Yesterday was first Friday.  At the first Friday of the month mass the monstrance is placed on the altar.  It had been awhile since I attended that service.  The sermon at mass spoke on when hearing God call you.  For those who accept and believe It takes time and there is a need for assistance from other people.  The priest spoke about his journey following his call to the priesthood.  He was trying to learn English.  He said he had a tough time finding study partners.  He found out if made egg rolls everyone would make time to come to his house and help him study.

I called a friend to meet for coffee at our friends donut shop. We visited him and his wife awhile. It's always enjoyable there.  He gave us a few job leads.  We went back to the church.  I wanted my friend to feel the presence.

We made our way around town finding places with help wanted signs.  One place I hope returns my call seems like a good job.  I ran into one of my former customers. I told her I wasn't working there anymore, God has other plans for me.  She agreed.  I told her don't let them talk crap about me and we laughed.  She said I will rebuke the devil.  10 minutes later.  I get a text from a guy asking if I'm okay.  I responded "Of course God is with me".  I don't trust this guy and I've learned to not give him too much information.  All too late of course.  I don't want to narrate in such simplistic terms.  However the mindset I just escaped from I'll be brief and explain.  This guy had all sorts of things he had imagined about me.  He would tell me ridiculous stuff.  Like stuff he remembered that never happened. The few times I dared to correct him I realized, too late, he used his newly gained insight about me, against me.  By distorting the truth.  It is a common theme in modern life. It seems to super concentrate in certain places.  Again I'm thankful I'm away from that place.

My kid needed to finish a project during the Christmas break. We drove with a friend to my parents.  While I was there my neighbor called telling me her fridge broke down and she need to put some food in my fridge.  My mom over heard she let her borrow a small fridge they had at the house.

Today my family has two funerals.  They were close to my family.  The strange part is they didn't know each other.  They died similar deaths.  They are both being buried at the same time but in different cities.  I'm going with my dad to one.  Everyone else is going to the other.



It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Soles of my feet

The Bible has the stories about how God works in the lives of his people.  God has a way of getting people to have a change of heart.  New ways of looking at a situation.  You will change your name.  You will stop speaking until God wants you to say the most important thing he wants other people to hear.  You will see your donkey talk to you. You will watch as that bush combusted into flames.  All those stories and I'm supposed to believe in this modern world God stopped talking to and through people?

God wants me to change jobs he made sure there is no mistaking the circumstances are in his control.  God has other plans for me.  I thought I was where he wanted me but now I know that wasn't the case.

It's an exciting time in my journey.  I will try to chronicle as I able to show my walk in grace.

The first Wednesday of the new year.  I woke up to the reality I no longer have a job.  The job that made me miserable was gone.  Thankful for being away from the incessant stupidity and unresolved on top of unresolved posturing.   I respected my manager because he had a tough job trying to make his department work.  He made the best of the staff he was given.  There was me, the odd ball.   He was decent and fair to me and took my point of view into consideration.  He has a business to run.  I don't blame him for letting me go.  I should have quit long before this.  I was miserable working there.  I didn't like most of my co-workers.  I wasn't being fair in my judgments of them.  I didn't like them.  It wasn't their fault, it was mine.  I didn't want to be there.  Everyday I didn't realize I was trying to forget I hated the job.  I was telling people I like it but secretly I wished for something.  I thought going in each day I would eventually trip over my destiny.

I was given my final paycheck.  The man who got me the job wanted his position back.  They gave it to him.  They loved that guy. They loved him so much he could have anything he wanted without paying for it.  His new girlfriend liked to party and she was getting expensive.

Wednesday morning I was logging onto numerous websites creating accounts filling about applications.  Trying to retell my work history to strangers feeling like a simpleton on the page.  My life in words.  Haha I thought heck I should post a link to this blog.  I'm sure my application would go straight to delete.  I know there is no place for this in the 9-5 work world.  I know there is no place for this in the entertainment field.  I'm trapped in between social acceptance and manageability.  I'm considered toxic.  Like the stomach flu.  No one wants to feel the sensation that accompanies the need to vomit.  Even though that purge will ultimately make the sickness go away.  Currently I'm feeling like part of myself represents that need to vomit.

So during my account creating yesterday I had to come up with passwords and picking out security questions.  One of the suggested security questions was: Name of the first boy/girl you kissed.  I thought of his name but I didn't pick that question to answer.  I chose to answer the less personal options. I continue to click through the process and I get to the prove you are a real human section.  The captcha.  The word image I was supposed type in was of all things the first name of the first boy I kissed.  His name is so unique I have never heard anyone have his name but him.  I thought God knows this and for me I felt reassured God was taking care of the details in my life.  To get me into the right places for me his unique child.  I don't need to fully understand.  I don't need to worry.



It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

The way the truth and the life.

I have been playing with odd ideas that surface in my daily writing.  I was committed to writing as frequently as possibly.  Something has happened between my online postings and my real life.  In a mystic like scenario a new perspective took shape and thoroughly consumed my attention.  I suppose I was writing to find out if I actually have anything to say.  The events in my real world showed me a direction and now I can move toward that.  God wants my attention that is where I focus.  Following Him has never let me down.  Even though my emotions can confuse me, and the greater good gets blurred.  I move forward knowing God is always making the way.

I've never been what anyone would call a good Christian, but I am a believer in The Christ.  Trying to skirt away from consequences, the childish whims of being emotional dependent on the escape.  Feeling misguided, attempting to gain understanding, compounding events into tragic endings.  Playing absentmindedly led me to a dead end.  That is what I saw.  Not what I was expecting to find, but what being ridiculous brings.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96