Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Tuesday had me reeling

Yesterday I spent the day looking for work. Also made my way through the unemployment insurance maze. I met a few people standing in lines. I dropped off an application and a resume. The sign in the window said now hiring. From the looks of his employees this guy doesn't hire people who look like me. A woman I spoke with while waiting in line told me her story about working for an Amazon warehouse. How that company can get away with treating people the way they do. From what she described I don't want to purchase through Amazon anymore. Another woman started a conversation with me asking me why did God make her short and me tall. She went right into talking about how she only dates tall men. This is the second woman in the past five days to tell me she only dates tall men. This woman spoke like getting a guy was like winning a trophy. I wonder what dating meant to her. Going to dinner? Long walks on the beach? Or nipple clamps and dog collars? What is seen on the surface doesn't give a clear image of what is hidden. The tendency in people to trivialize other people seems to be acceptable. Lying, withholding crucial information, forcing people into making decisions.   I'm accustomed to relying on God to help me. It is quite popular to trivialize Christianity. Catholics are easy to poke fun at. The traditions and the statuary. I've experienced divine intervention. It's unpredictable and chaotic but perfectly timed and elaborately coordinated. God continues to refine imperfect me. Throughout my life I've had dreams of dying. The dreams vary but always I am murdered. Awhile back I saw something and didn't realize the significance. Months later I'm told "they'll never find you". I was left to wonder, why I am being considered a threat. I think someone used me in a power play.  I have no interest in understanding the mindset of the people from that group. I don't know what was told to them that put me on the watch list. I know I'm having dreams again because I'm allowing this to affect me. People having twisted associations with psychopaths. This isn't how I want to relate to people. It is unfair for me to be put into the middle of this. I'm set up to look totally crazy or more powerful than I am. This entry is bouncing off the walls. This is where I find myself these days. Oh yeah and the cherry on top of yesterday was seeing a guy putting deodorant on his face.  Trying to looking crazy to maximize his benefit.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

body = temple

I'm struggling to except I was lied to. I was deeply and thoroughly deceived. It seemed believable. I should have seen the truth when I was being told things about myself that weren't true. I didn't defend myself I didn't say anything. When my life was threatened. I laughed thinking I could be killed over a lie. If my life could be ended by someone who is corrupt and just be forgotten. What a cruel sad joke. That seems to be what know one wants to talk about. Men are allowed to have that much power over women. It is only power. The reciprocal is learn how to be obedient. Understand and endure. Boundaries through, power men can only see that view. I realize men aren't able to see from a point of view that isn't based on power. I'll never understand anyone. I am only able to understand myself. I don't have to know the lies. I only need to know the lies are designed to kill. The truth is powerful.

Proverbs 16:9 The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Luke 18:19 And Jesus said to him, "Why do you call Me good? No one is good except God alone.

Proverbs 16:1 The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.

Proverbs 1:29 Because they hated knowledge and did not choose the fear of the Lord

Proverbs 16:4 The Lord has made everything for its purpose, even the wicked for the day of trouble


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Monday, January 15, 2018

Am I allowed to have a purpose in life

Sunday I got home around 5:00 a.m. I usually go to sleep but I didn't get that drowsy feeling.   Every Sunday I help out but, you know I'm not ready to reveal that much peripheral information.  I have other things to say.  Anyhow I couldn't sleep I guess the seven hours of sleep was sufficient or that cup of coffee was still working.  I actually think it was because I still feel stressed about losing my job and not finding a new one.  Also there are unresolved questions and strange occurrences from my former job I'm still trying to detox from.  I don't need any of this to make sense.  I have to work on not reacting urgently to things where my opinion doesn't matter.

I browsed the Internet, while I made a loaf of bread.  I met a friend to go hiking in a canyon South of town.  We met at our usual coffee spot.  I got there first.  I noticed a man staring at me when I looked at him he didn't look away.  I started to feel a sense of panic.  I sent my friend a text "hurry".  When he got there the man that had been staring had actually been waiting for his wife and family.  He got into the family car and started pointing at me.  So I pointed back at him.  It was silly and one of those situations that contain lots of unsaid feelings of whatever the hell that was about type stuff.  I told my friend to come see the drawing of Mary someone put on an olive tree, like a shrine.  A young man walked up I asked if he knew who drew it, and if someone died. This began a conversation about God.  He seemed willing to tell me his story.  When my friend joined the convo he stopped giving details and said he met God. As he walked away he said remember God does it.  He came back to tell us more about himself.  I asked if he was on drugs.  He said he had been arrested. The situation was strange and getting stranger.  We drove away, my friend and I talked about the different reactions we got from him.  My friend joked and said sometimes I think my last words are going to be: I knew hanging around you was going to get me killed.

We made it to the canyon.  It was barricaded off.  To many people being stupid ruined the spot.  It is weird how the newcomers to town spray paint and throw trash in places that were once nice remote places to explore.  We ended up walking to a different location.

I stopped on the way home to pick up food at a fast food spot.  I went inside to order.  A family brought their child who was obviously sick.  He vomited on the floor near the soda machine.  The woman wiped the child's face and dropped the napkins on the floor.  She never told the employees so they could clean up the mess.  I told one of the employees what happened before someone slipped and hurt themselves.  She went to the food counter without going into the restroom to wash her hands.  They called my number the woman went to grab my bags. I yelled "Don't touch my food you have barf on your hands".  I suppose a little bit of shared germs keeps you inoculated.  There were three adults one of them couldn't have stayed home with the sick child?





It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Living (verb) life (noun) live (adj)

I'm still filling out job applications. Going and making contacts with various businesses. I have a lunch date lined for next week.  A stroll around the gardens trip pending.  Maybe try an open mic poetry reading somewhere. This week in my journey I quit reacting and stayed true to my feelings. No need to dance around and entertain the desolate. I am not a vessel for despair.  

I saw the effects of white supremacy this week.  I had a man ridicule me loudly in public just because I'm white.  I stood there and laughed about myself with him.  He stopped and said sorry.  Whether he meant it or not doesn't matter.  His life had been shaped and justified by his hatred of past wounds not inflicted by me.  His soul could be released from that bondage.  That is my prayer for him.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Friday, January 12, 2018

As we forgive those...and lead us not into temptation

Yesterday I paid off a final debt to someone. The insight gain was minimal.  The world is disconnected and feeling isolated is a real part of being human.  I remember being a young child.  If I wanted to understand something my discoveries always included  isolation, confusion and vivid clarity.  Around people it was always what's right, what's fair.  On my own it was always what is true.  I have learned to follow the inspirations.  Follow the course as it presents itself.

Yesterday along with repaying a debt.  I received a nasty taunting message from a former co-worker.  When I clicked the send button to respond instead of sending, it was deleted.  I took that as a sign to just keep walking on my current path.  I haven't arrived at my destination.  Years ago on a road trip with a group of people we stopped at a gas station mini mart.  The window was shattered.  One of the people in the group asked the clerk what happened.  A guy had come in to purchase alcohol.  He didn't have ID. The clerk told him "go home and bring your mom back to buy it".   I'm sure for him it was satisfying to smash that glass.  I can say witnessing the divine intervention that obliterated that email was equally measured frustration and awe.  Followed up with a loud Thank You Jesus.  It felt complete like the line in that prayer:

...not into temptation but deliver us from evil



It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Lonesome in two worlds

Today I received a call from one of the places I filled out an application.  She had hired someone.  She called to let me know.  Even though I didn't get the job it was nice for her to reach out and make a human connection.  The impersonal world of robotic, automated, computerized everything.  A lonely world will become lonelier without the human connection.  Will humans adapt in the future and accept this?


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

50 somethings

I went through the drive thru this morning at 1:00 a.m.  A guy was standing in the drive thru in front of me.  They wouldn't give him his food because he wasn't in a car.  I told him to give me his money I'll get it for you, or get in.  He gave me his money and got into my car.  Oddly enough it was an interesting encounter.  We talked awhile and went our separate ways.  The strange part when I told him I was recently laid off from (_____).  He asked if I knew so and so.  I had been thinking about so and so while I was making my way to town.

We talked about how strange Hemet has become.  All the desperate people meandering about.  We were the same age.  We talked about how angry the world has become and it's effect on our little town.

It reminded me of being a teenager going out meeting people hanging out talking, without being afraid. It was a glimpse back into a world that still exists waiting to be utilized again.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96