meant

He made himself impossible to talk to.  She knew there was no point in asking so she didn't.  He shot down any opportunity she tried to talk to him.  She couldn't wait any longer she made the call to her reliable friend.  "Hey can you pick me up"?  He over heard the phone conversation.  He positioned himself out of view and glared at her.  He started a meaningless conversation with the cashier.  Talked like they were old friends.  She walked outside to the dark sidewalk and waited.  He deepened his contacts with the company gals.  Which seemed to be his intent all along.  Piquing their interest would give him an advantage in the long run.  He didn't realize the count down had begun and soon the game board would change.  What he thought was a moral high ground would soon become indistinguishable when overlaid with other plains of existence.  She knew from the dream world the playful bear would get hungry.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Thursday?

Was that an invite.  The reality her mind was being pulled into left her confused.  Did he say Thursday?  It was getting worse for her the closer she moved toward that destination.  She would be further into the forest.  More trees and those unknown sounds.  She would be alone.  What type of maniac would expect a woman to go there alone.  She felt it like the tide.  A pulse.  The constant rhythmic push and pull.  This type of offering makes the explanation sound idiotic, purely insane.  Why did you go there?  What were you thinking?  It made such beautiful sense at the time.  Her mind was playing tricks on her.  The sense of fear, a gauge for delusions like this.  Why did he need her to be far from home?  The place she felt safe.  This would ultimately become the choice because it was too frightening.  Her mind would focus on defending her, a concept never mentioned.  Without him filling in details her mind had to resolve the dilemma.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Describe your personality in one word : sandpaper

Here it is the end of February.  I'm still unemployed.  Today I have an appointment at the unemployment office.  I'm hoping it will be a sadistic encounter.  I don't know what point in time I realized I love to be be abused, and degraded.  It has become my life in many beautifully fascinating ways.  The flush of embarrassment.  The warmth takes over your body.  Those comforting warm sensations in front of everyone. They stare in wonder.  Knowing in that moment in that group I'm not being envied or despised.  I'm alone in a group of humans.  It is a fantastic feeling.  So I'll be at my required meeting hoping there is still some sort of job in the State of California for a quirky 50+ white woman with a robust sense of humor. 


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Haunted

Decisions that haunt a lifetime. All the strange unsaid happenings.  They were beginning to multiply.  Why now what was the cause of the increase.  She was used to being pulled into directions without having questions answered. This was different. Fear sat down to watch. It began to last longer.  The words found their way within a thought. Like a trance was this time shaped moment becoming real?


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Now

The night called me to come outside.  It always nice to get an unexpected visit such as this.  I put on my jacket and the slip on shoes I leave by the door.  Outside the half moon is bright.  The air is thin and delicate. It felt fragile like thin porcelain.  It's the type of air that carries sounds and smells great distances.  Metal becomes obedient In this type of cold.  I walked out to the fence that lines the road.  I could smell wood smoke.   It was a sweet smell burning at a perfect temperature.  The night was too excited to sleep.  The lonely bond that has been created seeing without being able to touch.  The excitement being created with the changes.  The day would soon arrive.


It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

My path has led me to the great hallway of life. All the closed doors. People I talk with seem to be having conversations with someone else in the room. Like I'm invisible not being included into the plan.  I'm bored with it I can't even motivate myself to be cynical.  I went hiking yesterday saw penis art painted along the trail.  The wild man and his penis.  The world of pretense is the ultimate boner killer.  The lost tribe of penis has welcomed new members. The modern world is on a penis seek and destroy mission.

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96

Why Does Everything Seem So Surreal After Brain Injury?

https://www.brainline.org/author/emilie-godwin/qa/why-does-everything-seem-so-surreal-after-brain-injury

From the article:

Some people with brain injury may also experience what doctors refer to as depersonalization (DP) and/or derealization (DR). Depersonalization describes the experience of feeling like you are removed from yourself or as if you are in a dream. Derealization is the sensation that the world around you is unreal or is profoundly and grotesquely changed. Often, DP and DR occur at the same time. The majority of people who note frequent bouts with DP/DR have experienced some type of significant trauma. DP/DR can also occur as a result of injuries or illnesses which impact neurological functioning. Although there is still much to learn with respect to why some people experience DP/DR following a traumatic brain injury, the experience may be more common than was previously thought. In fact, in one study, as many as half of the patients with TBI reported experiencing at least occasional instances of DP/DR¹,². It appears that people with TBI may be more likely to experience DP/DR when they also meet the criteria for a diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

It's not what you think it's what you believe.  Patricia '96