The Bible has the stories about how God works in the lives of his people. God has a way of getting people to have a change of heart. New ways of looking at a situation. You will change your name. You will stop speaking until God wants you to say the most important thing he wants other people to hear. You will see your donkey talk to you. You will watch as that bush combusted into flames. All those stories and I'm supposed to believe in this modern world God stopped talking to and through people?
God wants me to change jobs he made sure there is no mistaking the circumstances are in his control. God has other plans for me. I thought I was where he wanted me but now I know that wasn't the case.
It's an exciting time in my journey. I will try to chronicle as I able to show my walk in grace.
The first Wednesday of the new year. I woke up to the reality I no longer have a job. The job that made me miserable was gone. Thankful for being away from the incessant stupidity and unresolved on top of unresolved posturing. I respected my manager because he had a tough job trying to make his department work. He made the best of the staff he was given. There was me, the odd ball. He was decent and fair to me and took my point of view into consideration. He has a business to run. I don't blame him for letting me go. I should have quit long before this. I was miserable working there. I didn't like most of my co-workers. I wasn't being fair in my judgments of them. I didn't like them. It wasn't their fault, it was mine. I didn't want to be there. Everyday I didn't realize I was trying to forget I hated the job. I was telling people I like it but secretly I wished for something. I thought going in each day I would eventually trip over my destiny.
I was given my final paycheck. The man who got me the job wanted his position back. They gave it to him. They loved that guy. They loved him so much he could have anything he wanted without paying for it. His new girlfriend liked to party and she was getting expensive.
Wednesday morning I was logging onto numerous websites creating accounts filling about applications. Trying to retell my work history to strangers feeling like a simpleton on the page. My life in words. Haha I thought heck I should post a link to this blog. I'm sure my application would go straight to delete. I know there is no place for this in the 9-5 work world. I know there is no place for this in the entertainment field. I'm trapped in between social acceptance and manageability. I'm considered toxic. Like the stomach flu. No one wants to feel the sensation that accompanies the need to vomit. Even though that purge will ultimately make the sickness go away. Currently I'm feeling like part of myself represents that need to vomit.
So during my account creating yesterday I had to come up with passwords and picking out security questions. One of the suggested security questions was: Name of the first boy/girl you kissed. I thought of his name but I didn't pick that question to answer. I chose to answer the less personal options. I continue to click through the process and I get to the prove you are a real human section. The captcha. The word image I was supposed type in was of all things the first name of the first boy I kissed. His name is so unique I have never heard anyone have his name but him. I thought God knows this and for me I felt reassured God was taking care of the details in my life. To get me into the right places for me his unique child. I don't need to fully understand. I don't need to worry.
It's not what you think it's what you believe. Patricia '96
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